▶ Your Answer :
Foreign aids have been a debatable issues
around the world. Some critics claims that foreign aid does not benefit beneficial for
both parties because the recipient nations will be dependent heavily on aids.
Others, however, believe that it can help them in the a long run to ease with their
poverty issues. In my perspective that, since the criticizing statements are
looking at the short term improvement in developing nations, they cannot think
of the long term. <(질문에 대한 답히 clear하지 않습니다.)
Foreign aids could encourage poor nations to be being dependent on that money. The continuous support would solve the current
economic issues for a short term encouraging the development country become
independent but they struggle as much to take care of their own people.<(little unclear) The
developed nations are wishing the developing nation to become an independent
nation by using the foreign aids to solve the economic issues. However, some
countries give aid to poor nation and use this as a tool to control the
recipient country in terms of favours such as setting up military bases. <Need better coherence> The
biggest issue is that, the foreign aid would not be solving the economic
problem as the developed nations wish to. The money will not be used to the
communities in poor countries, instead, it will be gone to a pocket money for
the corrupt officials. <(문단의 coherence/unity가 떨어집니다)
Although the use of foreign aid cannot be
controlled by developed nations, by providing all sorts of help to poor nations
may ease easing the poverty. With the continuous aid, poor nations eventually would stabilize their economic level and that aid will be repaying. Developed nations
could support millions of families living below poverty lines, contributing
through money, training, and medical assistance. This can enhance the equality
and better lives for poor citizens. Helping poor nations by giving them
financial assistance and providing them medical help like vaccines for diseases
will be able to improve the economics. In the case of China, they have received
frequent financial patronage from the USA and IMF for more than 10 years, but
now the world economy is depending on the Chinese economy and most of the money has been
repaid. Foreign aid can be considered as an investment for developing nations
because this assistance encourage nations to get out from economic difficult
situations and helping them to be settled in.
In conclusion, developed nations can misuse
the foreign aid because they do not have structured government systems.<(developed nations가 structured government가 없다는 것이 어색하게 들립니다) Although the supporting nations cannot control foreign aid's usage, it can be
seen that this assistance is eventually helpful in the long term. Therefore,
the foreign aid will help the recipient’s nations.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 unclear합니다. 결국엔 donor countries가 더 도움을 받는지 recipient countries가 더 도움을 받는건지 아님 둘다 도움을 못받거나 둘다 도움을 받는 건지 많이 헷갈리게 들립니다. 전체적으로 clarity/unity/coherence에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두 번째 문단에서는 마치 recipient countries한테는 help가 안되는 대신 donor countries한테는 도움이 되지만 결국엔 recipient countries한테는 도움이 안된다 라고 해주셨습니다. 하지만 세 번째 문단에서는 donor countries는 recipient countries를 결국엔 control 할수 없고 오히려 계속 foreign aid를 할수록 recipient countries가 도움을 많이 받는다 라고 해주셨습니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이의 답이 정확히 무엇인지 unclear합니다. 내용상 summarize를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 small mistakes에 주의 해주시고 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |