(The government should impose a fee on drivers who use their vehicles during rush hour to help cut down on air pollution from exhaust fumes. To what extent do u agree or disagree with this opinion. )
It is a common belief that divers should not be charged for using their vehicles during rush hour, even though it contributes to air pollution. However I firmly believe that imposing a fee would do a lot of good because it could reduce traffic jam and also prevent contamination that towards (towards에 to의 의미가 들어갑니다.) to the nature.
To begin with, implementing a rush hour fee would ease traffic congestion, diminishing some of the pollution in the atmosphere. Levying people would make them less likely to ride their vehicles and this could make people to search for alternative ways such as using bicycles or a public transportations that only travel at a given time. In London, for example, the government introduced a congestion fee several years ago. As a result, the use of public transportation rate have been risen and fewer cars on the road relived the traffic congestion. Moreover, the pollution levels of the city have been going down ever since. (이 마지막 두 문장은, 앞에서 했던 말을 런던이라는 고유명사만 붙여서 그대로 반복하는 것에 지나지 않기 때문에 크게 의미를 갖지는 않습니다.)
On the top of that, the revenue from those charges (이게 뭔지를 다시 한번 상기시켜주시는 게 좋습니다. 글쓰기에 있어서는 항상 핵심에 대한 꾸준한 상기가 중요해요.) can be used to fund environmental friendly projects. Government could utilize the tax money to make cities greener and raise citizen's awareness of environment problems. For instance, in Korea, rooftop gardens have been built in several places. In additional , nowaday government have supported the extracurricular and hand-on activities for children, planting various kinds of trees and flowers. After the project started, the air quality has have been risen compared to than the past and more knowledge about the environment have been surged by learning how precious the environment is.
To sum up, a small fee for rush- hour motorists would lighten traffic jam and help cities to maintain a healthy and clean environment. For these reasons, charging such drivers would be beneficial to the planet and to society.
총평: (6/7/7/6) 6.5
일단 괜찮게 적어주신 건 맞는데, mandy님의 실력을 고려했을 때 중간중간에 보이는 자잘한 오류들만 없었어도 7.0까지도 괜찮았을 것 같아서 조금 아쉽긴 하네요. 또한 내용상의 경우도 본론 두 번째 문단은 구체적인 근거들이 잘 작성되어있는 반면, 본론 첫 번째 문단은 대중교통->환경정화의 논리 전개 하나로 전체 문단을 떼우고 있기 때문에 적절하지 않습니다. 이러한 사항들만 조금 보완해주시면 더 좋은 글이 될 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)