안녕하세요! 12월 시험, 7점 목표로 공부 중입니다,
253자에 40분 정도 걸렸습니다. 외부 도움은 받지 않았습니다.
항상 감사합니다!
Big sports events such as the football World Cup and the Olymplic Games give a lot of benefits. People tend to focus on how they impact to their countries’ economies. However, there are several advantages from those international events aside from econmical profits. They also help ease easing international tensions and release releasing patrotic emotions in a safe way as well.
For example, Korea has been divided into two countries for a half a of century. As a result of division, two countries, South Korea and North Korea have complained each other (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) so far. However, South Korea held the 2018 Winter Olympic Games itself. Before an opening of the event, South Korea tried to reconcile North Korea and each president had a historical meeting. The International Olympic Committee allowed North Korean atheletes athletics to participate in the gigantic event even though they were not supposed to join. After the event, the two Two countries kept eased tension for a while after the event.
In addition, 2002 Korea and Japan football World Cup released people’s patriotic feelings. Many Koreans crowded to squares or parks where they could gather in large scale and cheered up their national team members together. Eventually, the Korean National team was placed 4th in the competition and Koreans were proud of their countires with the result. Many Koreans are still looking forward to getting an outstanding result in one of the biggest football competitions around the world.
For these examples, I strongly believe that the international sports events are necessary to ease international tensions and to release paritotic feelings in a safe way.
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
'영어 자체' 는 잘 해주셨는데, 이에 비해 내용이 그렇게 잘 구성된 편은 아닙니다. 현재 글이 오로지 예시에만 의존하고 있는데 이는 좋지 않습니다. 예시는 언제까지나 뒷받침의 역할만 수행해야하는데, 이를 넘어서 문단 자체를 예시로만 채워버리시면 안 돼요. 일반적인 관점에서의 얘기를 위주로 하시고, 예시는 간략한 뒷받침용으로만 쓰시면 됩니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)