A great number of individuals nowadays consider to be businessmen (이거는 self-employed와 관련이 없습니다. 패러프레이징에 너무 신경쓰지 마세요!) since there are sufficient information on the Internet that anyone is able to access. However, being self-employed self-employeer has several drawbacks at the same time. In this essay, I will explain and provide some examples and offer my perspective on this matter.
Decidedly, having their own work environment has a lot of opportunities and the positive side. Initially, workers living in mordern society in general travel to cities and it brings a great deal of stress as well as they should also deal with overwhelmed work load. With all credit due to the development of technology, there are unlimited possibility to broaden the size of their business and be in touch with experts who are involving their fields. ('자영업자의 경우' 라는 점이 전제되어야 합니다.) For example, free sources such as informative YouTube Youtube videos and website builders are available. Therefore, people who are self-employed enable to educate themselves from A to Z. (이 자체는 원인이 될 수 없습니다. 이러한 점으로 인해 일이 쉬워지기 때문에 보다 많은 사람들이 자영업에 뛰어든다~라고 해주셔야 해요.)
When it comes to the drawbacks of being independent work, there are a variety cons that we should carefully take a tackle. Freelancing jobs and establishing business are a double-edged sword. First and foremost, it could affect their income. When individuals operate their abilities for companies, they are provided some specific amount of wage. This thus supports them to live stably. However, making a living for their own companies brings a lot of unexpected situations and incidents. Moreover, they should also should be fully in charge of all the occuring issues.
To sum up, there are a lot of exceptional successful stories and it is possible to own our stores without difficulties. However, I personally believe that we should be objective whether it is worthwhile investment or not. (여기는 밑에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
총평: (5/6/6/7) 6.0
이번 글은 평소보다 조금 아쉬웠습니다. 물론 실전에서 6.0으로 떨어질 가능성은 0%에 가깝긴 하지만, 그래도 이번 글에서 문제되었던 결론에 대해서는 특히 주의해주세요.
글을 쓸 때에는 논제가 시킨 것에만 집중하셔야 합니다. 지금 논제는 원인과 단점을 묻고 있어요. 그러면 딱 그것만 쓰면 되는데, 괜히 더 나아가서 자의적으로 '제언' 을 할 경우 적절하지 않으므로 주의해주세요! 무조건 시킨 것만 하셔야 합니다! 그렇지 않으면 월권행위가 되어요.
수고하셨습니다 :)
(280) (40분)
바빠서 시험 준비에 신경을 전보다 못 쓰게 너무 아쉽네요 시험날은 다가오고..
게다가 감은 잃기 참 쉬운 것 같아요 ㅎㅎ
오늘도 첨삭 감사합니다