Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Compared to the past, the importance of spending time with family is declining because many people would like to devote time to work for their careers. However, some people have stated that people should spend time more time should be spent (이렇게 쓰면 people이 반복되는 것을 막을 수 있죠.) on family activities. I support this idea in that it is the most valuable for people share the time shared with family members is the most valuable.
On the one hand, some people believe that the importance of meaning of family has diminished. This because family size has become been smaller, and duties that people should be responsible for housework as family members has decreased. Thus, people want to devote their spare time to improve careers by working or studying. For example, people even leave their home to study and work in other cities and countries. They tend to prioritize the achievement of personal goals rather than dedicating time with family members.
However, there is a more persuasive idea that people should distribute time to make strong a family relationship, and this is helpful for people to accomplish goals. This is because people face a lot of difficulties and get stressed when they head to develop their career paths, so they need to get advice or support from family members. For example, parents can get a motivation to work hard for kids, and young children ask for moral support from parents. If a/the 중 하나 family relationship is not formed strongly, people might face difficulties to solve their personal issues from got in workplaces or schools.
In conclusion, it is clear that the formation of family has changed a lot, so people do not prioritize family rather than career. However, to accomplish their goals in work and school, people absolutely need supporters, and family members are the most reliable ones.
총평: (7/7/7/6) 7.0
자잘한 부분들을 제외하면 괜찮았는데, 사실 콩새님 실력이면 굳이 본론에서 On the one hand, some people~~ However, there is a more persuasive idea~라는 외운 티가 팍팍 나는 표현 없이도 글을 충분히 만드실 수 있을 겁니다. 모범답안을 보시고 다양한 방법을 찾아보세요!
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