Socially, most of the children learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age by their parents and teachers. Some people say that punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. Personally, I agree with this opinion.
On the one hand, children, at an early age, tend to act like a baby. (이 문장의 경우 쉼표가 이렇게까지 많이 쓰일 건 없습니다. 쉼표가 불필요하게 남발될 경우 글을 읽어나가는 흐름이 끊기기때문에 꼭 필요한 경우에 한해서만 넣어주시는 게 좋아요.) They do not exactly know that the act they show is a right thing or not. Because of this, parents and teachers have a responsibility to teach children at an early age to help them grow as a right person. While they teach children, some punishment should happen at the same time. Children normally do not like to be punished by someone. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) if they do something wrong, adults have to show them strictly that dangerous things could happen or people also do not like to see wrong things.
On the other hand, however, (둘 중 하나만 쓰시면 됩니다.) particular punishment should not be shown to children. ((((((((((For example, telling them strictly but without screaming, violence, and physical actions can be a case.)))))))) Children might know that they did something wrong by this punishment, however, they might feel scared and will make them have a trauma after that. These kind of acts might make them act as a same way in the near future as they were taught in the past. (이 문단, 그리고 초록 괄호 안의 문장에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
In conclusion, as far as I concern, punishment is required for children to learn the differences which is right or wrong, but not scaring them by punishment. Negative reactions could happen if the way of punishment is not right. (여기도 본론2와 같은 맥락에서 간다고 보시면 돼요.)
비밀번호는 1234 입니다!! 감사합니다!!
총평: (5/6/7/7) 6.5
일단 빨간 부분이 그렇게 많지 않다는 점을 통해 확인할 수 있듯이, 표현상 문제가 그렇게 많지는 않았습니다. (대신, children등 일부 단어가 자주 쓰이는 것은 대체해주세요!)
본론 두 번째 문단에 잠깐 말씀드리자면, 논제를 고려했을 때 해당 문단에는 선생님, 부모님들이 사용해도 '되는' 체벌 관련 내용이 와야 합니다. 그러나 현재는 사용해도 안 되는 쪽으로 서술되어있죠. 물론 초록 괄호 안의 문장은 이를 간접적으로 다루고 있긴 하지만, 이것만으로는 부족하며, 아예 첫 문장부터 대놓고 '뭘 사용해도 되나면~~' 이런 식으로 가야 합니다.
이 문단만 살짝 수정해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)