▶ Your Answer :
Driving a car can be definitely handy to travel. The drivers can
reach the destination more comfortably and faster, but this is not valid in the
city because of the congestion. Therefore, it would be better to travel around
the metropolitan areas by bikes.
(Need better transition)
Cars provide comfortable and convenience. Comfortable seats and
having a private space provide a more comfortable feeling to the drivers to
driving around. For instance, the drivers even can listen to music privately in
their cars to make their journey to be more fun. Also, having a car is very
convenient as it helps people to travel a longer distance heavily loaded. For
example, a family can plan a weekend trip to the countryside; they can pack
everything necessary items to carry in the car onto cars. <(도시에서 차로 움직이는게 편하다는 관점을 서술해주셔야 하기 때문에 시골로 여행간다는 예시는 문맥상 어울리지는 않습니다)
However, those benefits mentioned above are removed in the
metropolitan areas due to the traffic congestion and crowd. Convenience is no
longer valid. The drivers have to waste so much time by stuck at the traffic.
Seeing the congestion accumulates more stressful than releasing the stresses
from listening to the favourite music. Even for a short distance travelling
within a city will takes some time due to crowds. Therefore, riding a bicycle will
be the fastest and the most convenient method to travel within the metropolitan
areas. <(왜 도시에서는 차가 불편한지가 아니라 왜 도시에서는 자전거로 돌아다니는게 제인 좋은 방법인지에 대해 서술을 해주셨어야합니다.)
In conclusion, despite the advantages of convenient and comfortable
the cars have, these are invalid in big cities. Big cities have huge congestion
issues, so that it prevents all the advantages of cars. Therefore, riding a
bicycle will be better.
Score: 6 Comment: 두 관전을 잘 서술해 주시지 않았습니다. 오히려 차를 이용하는데에 좋은 점/나쁜 점을 서술 해주신 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현들을 써주시면 더 좋을 글이 될 수 있다고 생각합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |