▶ Your Answer : No one would argue that the modern society is increasingly influenced by the media, affecting all sheres shares of human life, especially children. Recently, there is an ongoing heated debate that mass media which cover celebrities affect effect negatively on the young. In this essay, I am completely agree with this opinion and will analyze my stance with some applicable supports.
To begin with, when media show lives of celebrities, children receive them it without any refusing due to their immature thinking. They are not enough mature to acquire information along alogn filtration on what is good or not. In other words, if media such as TVs and newspapers are is providing celebrities' lives which are far luxurious and adn sometimes disordered, children consider that all kinds of life are is like that. Hence, they can behave like a star, by spending huge money easily and only concentrating on pleasure including holding on parties, smoking somking, and drinking.
Furthermore, another negative effect is that media focus on just funny and exciting issues. This trend causes children, even people of other ages, to think celebrities's success does did not need big efforts. To be specific, the public remember about a famous actress, as a woman who had had dates with two men at the same time, not an a actress who acted greatly for a best movie. Consequently, young people follow that behaviour to pursue only simple and easy way regardless of hided endeavors. 연예인 되는 게 노력이 필요 없다는 내용과 대중이 추문만 기억한다는 것이 무슨 관련이 있는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 또한 아이들이 이를 무조건적으로 따라하게 된다는 설명 역시 연결이 어색해보입니다.
To recapitulate, taking some views into account some views, I am of the belief that media covering celebrities have pessimistic effects on children owing to media's reflexion of only stimulating simultaeous areas and individually children's immature thinking.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5 modest user
미디어에서 유명인사에 대해 보도하는 것이 '왜' 아이들에게 안 좋은 영향을 준다고 보는지를 좀 더 명확히 드러내주세요. 어떤 부분에서 안 좋은 영향력을 미치는지, 이것이 어떤 과정에서 일어나는지를 순차적으로 정리해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수일치와 품사활용 관련 문법오류와 오탈자가 많은 편이니 proof-reading도 꼼꼼하게 해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^ |