It is true that nowadays, young adults outnumber elderly people in some countries. This social phenomenon has a myriad of merits that far outweigh the drawbacks.
On the one hand, a country that has a large number of young people could have a detrimental impact on society. It is axiomatic that the minority generally have less power, compared to the majority. As the minority, which refers to the elderly, is also less likely to have a job than the young, their positions could be taken over by young adults who have relatively more power and careers. This could lead to the isolation of elderly citizens, which allows the gap between two generations to become wide as time goes by. (allow의 경우 긍정/중립문에서 사용됩니다. 지금은 부정문이기 때문에 적절하지 않고요. 심화되다~등의 단어를 넣고 수정해서 댓글로 검사 받으세요!) Consequently, it could eventually bring about an imbalanced society.
Nevertheless, an increasing number of the young who are over 18 years old could result in a happier society. It is an undeniable fact that the more number of young people, the more taxes the government could collect. By using taxes, the government could create more legislations or laws that can make people feel satisfied. To specify, the government could allocate more budget to building extra infrastructures, such as hospitals and roads, that could enable people to live their lives with a comfort. Moreover, it could spend more budget on health welfare, which could alleviate people's financial burdens when they are ill. Therefore, this would ultimately lead to the well-being of all citizens regardless of age.
In conclusion, when all specific reasons and relevant examples are considered and evaluated, I steadfastly believe that the advantages of the increased number of young adults in certain countries offset the disadvantages in light of a happier society.
걸린시간 40분, 목표점수 7.0 감사합니다
장단점 묻는 지문에서도 첫번째 문단에서 there are those who believe that~ 이런식으로 써야하는게 더 낫나욤? -> 아니요! 지금 논제는 순전히 센님의 의견만을 묻고 있기 때문에 그러실 필요 없습니다.
총평; (7/7/7/7) 7.0
잘 써주셨습니다. 본론1의 단어 사용이 살짝 아쉽긴 했으나, 저거 하나 가지고 6점대로 떨어질 일은 0%입니다. 대신, 이번 글도 그렇고 글 전반적으로 너무 단어 욕심은 내지 마세요~얼마나 휘황찬란한 단어를 쓰느냐가 중요한 것이 아니라, 그 단어가 문맥에 맞는지가 더 중요합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)