The pie charts show the populations of Yemen and Italy by age in the year 2000 and 2050. Overall, the percentage of Italians older than 60 years old was and will be higher than the proportion of the same age group in Yemen. (여기 Overview의 경우는 '예멘에 비해 이탈리아는 고령층의 비중에 있어 보다 확연한 증가세를 보일 것으로 추측된다~'라고 적어주시면 됩니다.)
It is clear that the percentage of Yemenese people from 0 to 14 years old was the largest in 2000. This figure accounted for 46.3%. Interestingly, the figure is projected to increase to 57.3% in 2050. It is observed that the proportion of Yemenese people between 15 and 59 years old accounted for less than half in 2000, however, the figure is expected to increase by 11.0% points in 2050 from 46.3% in 2000.
Furthermore As for Italy, the portion of Italians from 15 to 59 years old was more than twice the percentage of those older than 60 years old in 2000. These figures were 61.6% and 24.1%, respectively. However, in 2050, the percentage of people between 15 and to 59 years old from Italy will be roughly equal to the portion of Italians involved in the oldest age group at approximately 45%. (지금 문장들도 죄다 the ~~ of ~~ 로 되어있기 때문에 좋지 않습니다.)
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
Overview에서도 문제가 있긴 하지만, 지금 글도 이전 글들과 마찬가지로 가장 큰 문제는 표현, 문장구조의 단조로움입니다. ㅊㅊㅁㅅ님은 이걸 꼭 극복할 수 있어야 하며, 이것만 극복하면 6.5는받고도 남으니까 반드시 해결해주세요! (단순히 동의어만 쓴다고 되는 게 아니라, 문장 구조 자체도 다양화해주셔야 합니다.)
수고하셨습니다 :)