Q.Everyone should stay in school until the age of eighteen. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
A.
The question of whether people should stay staying in school until they are eighteen or not has become a controversy around the world. Some people argue that everyone should go to school until when they become eighteen. However I only partially agree with the idea of this issue. The following are the reasons.
To begin with, there are several reasons why I am in favor of this opinion phenomena. First of all, people who are under eighteen should stay in school as they are immature and cannot self-control themselves. To be specific, by going to school they can learn to conduct themselves properly especially when visiting public areas. For example, when they go on a to field trip, they pick up about rules that they should follow and these help children develop make children self-control. (여기서 엔터치지 않습니다. 그냥 스페이스로 쭉 이어주세요~)
Second, they can be taught the importance of teamwork. Many school encourage students to participate in a lot of group activities, and these can be one of the good ways to maintain a good relationship with those around them.
On the contrary, being in school until eighteen has negative sides as well. Firstly, it can restrict their (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다.) creativity. In other words, if they are staying in school up to eighteen, they cannot do what they want and it can be a stress stressed for some of them. Moreover, it is more helpful to learn things that they are interested in for their future life, instead of having to stay in school.
To sum up, I agree to some extent that everyone should stay in school till when they become eighteen. Although this issue has drawbacks, is more likely to have positive effects on people under 18. Given this, it is convincing for young people to go to school until they are 18.
총평: (5/5/7/6) 6.0
표현상으로 크게 문제는 없어서 일정 점수는 받아갔지만, 지금 글의 흐름이 통일되지 않은 상태이기 때문에 수정이 필요합니다. 서론에서는 부분동의를 한다고 하셨는데 갑자기 결론에서는 18살까지 학교에 있어야 한다는 쪽이 낫다고 하셨고, 이로 인해 글이 왔다갔다 하는 상태이죠.
agree/disagree에서 부분동의를 할 경우 정말 명필이 아닌 이상 이런 문제가 웬만하면 생기기 때문에, 가급적이면 하나의 입장만 쓰는 걸 추천드립니다. 링크도 하나 넣어드릴테니 참고해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)
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