Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some hobbies are relatively easy, while others present more of a challenge. It is true that both types of hobby can be fun. I think, however, that satisfaction ratings between easy and tough on hobbies will (will 은 굳이 안 넣어도 되긴 합니다.) differ and I agree with the statement that hobbies need to be difficult in order to be enjoyable.
On the one hand, many people enjoy easy hobbies. One example of an activity that is easy for most people is swimming. The hobby requires very little equipment, it is simple to learn, and it is inexpensive. I remember learning to swim at my local facility when I was a child, and it never felt like a demanding or challenging experience. (이 문단의 경우 표현상 문제가 있는 건 아닌데, 이전에 보여드린 후라이드 vs 양념이 걸리는 상황입니다. 고로 여기도 '어려운 취미' 를 긍정하는 또다른 내용으로 채워주셔야 해요.)
On the other hand, difficult hobbies can be more exciting. If an activity is more challenging, we might feel a greater sense of satisfaction when we manage to do it successfully. For example, film editing is a hobby that requires a high level of knowledge and expertise. In my case, it took me around two years before I became competent at this activity, but now I enjoy it much more than I did when I started. I believe that many hobbies give us more pleasure when we reach a higher level of performance because the result is better and the feelings of achievement are greater. Also, it makes a motivation to us being more enjoyable our hobbies. (이 문장은 살짝 꼬인 것 같은데 댓글 한번 주세요!)
In conclusion, difficult hobbies can be more delightful for different reasons even though all hobbies can be fun and relaxing, difficult hobbies can be more delightful because ~~ (이 부분에서 본론을 구체적으로 요약해주시면 되겠습니다.).
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
이번 글은 평소보다 조금 아쉬웠네요. 일단 표현이 원채 깔끔한지라 최소한의 점수는 벌어갔지만, 결코 내용이 좋은 글은 아니었습니다. 본론1의 경우 이전의 후라이드 vs 양념과 같은 맥락에서 생각해주시면 되겠습니다. 결론은 제가 어순을 바꿨는데, 이에 대해서도 링크를 하나 넣어드릴게요.
수고하셨습니다 :)
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