Some people say that all young
people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what
extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Many countries implement an education law,
which requires students to receive full-time education until the age of 18 is under 19 year-old students must have essential educations. I
completely agree with this idea and I will write down some reasons why I
support this view.
First and foremost, students are yet immature human beings yet. We can Thus they have to learn about not only many of subjects but also
basic social skills such as making a good relationship with others and how to
work with others throughout the team projects in a school. These social
abilities may seem not important as much as subjects such as math and science
but it is essential and fundamental skills for living in a real life. If they
cannot gain these abilities from school, they might be under having a difficult
situation about communication with colleagues, moreover, they could do not make
a right and wise choice when they have to choose a reasonable decision-making
because of their lake of education.
Another reason is that there are
tons of (구어에 해당하므로 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.) dangerous things in our society, so if youngsters who quit the school
due to their burden of educational cost, they are more likely to be exposed to
serious criminal such as prostitution of children or fraud. Children are immature
and have having a lake of judgment, therefore there will be a lot of people who
approach it for it.
In conclusion, if we do not ensure
the full-time education for the students who under 19 years old, there are a
huge negative impacts on youngsters who will lead our society in the future.
Thus, I firmly believe that government should guarantee the formal education.
목표점수는 6.5, 걸린시간: 45분정도? 총259단어 입니다.
총평: (7/6/6/5) 6.0
문법에 절대적인 문제가 있는 건 아닌데, 자잘한 오류들이 조금 누적되면서 점수가 내려갔다고 보시면 됩니다. 기본적으로 글의 내용은 괜찮기 때문에, 현재의 자잘한 오류들을 대폭 줄일 수 있으면 6.5도 충분히 괜찮을 거에요.
또한, 이와 별개로 시간은 꼭 줄여주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)