The bar chart illustrates the top ten countries for the manufacturing (단어를 바꿔가면서 쓰는 건 좋은데, 그 단어가 문맥상 적절해야 합니다. manufacture는 물리적으로 만질 수 있는 대상에 대해서만 써요. 다른데에도 다 바꿔주세요!) and usage of electricity in 2014.
In general, China occupied the highest production and consumption of electricity, while the Republic of Korea took a place at the low of the rank in 2014.
Regarding China, it used and manufactured more electricity than any other countries. Following that, the United States occupied the that second highest production and consumption of electricity, but the consumption quantity was slightly lower than the production amount. In Russia, the production and the consumption amount were 1,057 (단위, 즉 billion kWh를 넣어주셔야 합니다. 다른데에도 싹 다 넣어주세요!) and 1,038, which were nearly similar to each other. According to Japan, the production amount was 936.2, while the usage was 856.7. Canada and France indicated a relatively similar amount of manufacturing and usage. Most counties show that the production is larger than the consumption amount. However, Germany shows a different feature from other countries. Germany spent more electricity than in manufacturing.
총평: (6/7/5/6) 6.0
다양한 단어를 쓰면 좋긴 하지만, 이게 다 문맥에 맞아야 합니다. 또한, 사실 7.0 이상이 필요한 경우가 아닌 이상 다양한 표현에 그리 신경쓰지 않으셔도 돼요. 그냥 문법 정확도를 높이고 지금처럼 단위를 잘 넣는 것에 더 집중해주시는 게 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)