A lot of people meet people on the internet instead of in person. (최근 들어 그렇다는 점을 언급해주세요~) In my opinion, this development has both positive and negative effects.
Meeting people online can be regarded as positive for the following reason. First on, it is a chance to accept diverse cultures. These days, the number of people choosing to socialise online is increasing to learn languages and cultures, because nowadays it is the global era. For example, learning English is essential today. However, opportunities to talk to native speakers was very limited just a decade ago, whereas opportunities (웬만하면 한 단어가 같은 문장에 연속해서 쓰이지 않도록 해주세요~) that people can talk with foreigners, and learn cultures and languages are rising rapidly now because of the internet. For the reason, people who choose to socialise online can be social internationally social. Therefore, getting along with people online can lead to the positive factors.
On the other hand, the negative side of the development should not be neglected. Socialising online can be risky. In other word, people can not only show fake identities online, but also hide true characteristics. There are many news about teenagers who get dangerous from the internet. (지금 문단은 다소 짧은 상태이므로, 이 문장의 구체화를 통해 보충해주세요~) Particularly, teenagers tend to think that it is easy to meet someone online, and teenagers with lower levels of self-control engage in non-criminal acts as well.
In conclusion, I believe that socialising online has both benefits and negative effects. The positive impact is that people have more chances to be social chances that people acquire variety of social, but the negative aspect is that it is easy that people can be exposed to the danger.
총평: 7/6/5/6 (6.0)
우선적으로 보완해주셔야 할 부분은 두 가지가 있습니다. 먼저 본론 두 번째 문단 쪽은 양적으로나 질적으로나 내용이 자세한 게 아니기 때문에 이쪽을 추가적으로 봐주셔야 할 것 같아요. 또한 글 전반적으로 반복되는 단어, 예를 들면 socialising 이나 teenager 등이 많이 보이는 편이므로 동의어를 더 적극적으로 활용해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)