▶ Your Answer :
Some people strongly
assert that current people are kinder that they were in the past. However, from
my personal experiences and beliefs, I disagree with the given statement. There
are two sequence reasons for my opinions. First, this is because that contemporary
people have wariness each other to survive in society. Second, settled life made
them to unfriendly.
First of all, people show their
hostilities towards (towards/about비슷하게 보일 수도 있지만, 문장의 연결성을 봤을 때는 어휘 정말 중요하니 proof reading 시에 자세히 봐주세요) about others in social world. Because Since they have to increase their
prestige and survive, they will act in unkind ways. (문장은 고쳐드렸으나, 어떻게 사람들이 unkind하게 act하게 되었는지 예시 말고도 더 설명이 필요합니다) So, they will become unkindly to people. For example, when
I was a college student, I did not recognize about unkindness in the campus. In
there, I could enjoy campus life and study hard. (사족입니다) However, I was able to feel like
unkindness (??)when I have entered in a society because there were a lot of competitions. Once,
I wanted to know how did advertise project. So, I asked to peers. Although they
talked to me the answers, their attitudes were so bad like boring. Probably I think
that they were also doing same project. I was so shocked and decided that I will
treat to others same manner to survive in this world. (쓴 의미도 모르겠고, 문장에 논리도 없습니다 need to rewrite)
Second,
I think settled life have made people unfriendly. Some people stay at home all day. As
a result, people do not interact with each other often. theirs interactions with others naturally are diminished. Even though
they meet other people in an apartment, they will indifference or even unkind (어휘 사용 다시 check) since they do not know one another. For instance, my grand mother talked about
her childhood. At that time, people could play with other families easily. Because
there were a lot of works at outside. (what works at outside? need more explanation) So, she followed her parents who were working
and could work and eat meals with friend’s family. Moreover, when they didn't have anything to eat when staple foods
of hers family were ran off, other families who lived neighboring areas gave
their meals like rice, meats and water. As a contemporary views, these situations
could be not occurred. It was an impressive story.
To
sum up, current people are not kind due to competitions and settled life. To this
regard, I firmly believe that the past people are more friendly than nowadays people.
In addition, this tendency will be kept going forever. 예상점수도 부탁드려요!!
제 생각에는 essay보다는 paragraph나 sentence쓰기 연습에 더 주력하셔야 할 거 같습니다. 사족이 너무 많고, 주제와 직결되지 않는 문장들이 너무 많아 point를 흐립니다. 문장에서 point를 찾을 수 없으며, 굳이 쓸모없는 부분들이 너무 많은 듯 합니다. 어휘도 잘못 쓰이고 있는 부분이 너무 많은데 무조건 사전찾아서 하시면 안되고, 어휘 하나하나 무슨 용법으로, 어디 써야 문장에 잘 맞는지 다시 공부하셔야 할 것 같습니다. 11/30
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