▶ Your Answer:
There might be some people who think
that it is beneficial for teenage students to have part-time jobs. However, I
personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. This is
because students should study hard for their future and most of them who take
part-time jobs usually have (bad) family background.
First of all, they should
assiduous at (on) their studies for a better future. It is
a very important period of time in life where they can focus solely on studying.
(For teenagers, the period that they can study is really important.) This is
because their academic performance affects
their future job’s quality and university administration. So they need to focus
on their studies in this period. However, if
they have part-time jobs at this point,
their future will be uncertain. (obscure.) A research conducted by professors at Korea University
shows the relationship between one’s academic performance and future career.
(There is a research done by a group of professors in the department of
psychology in Korea University to find out how students’ academic performance
can affect their future. They tracked their academic performace until they go
to university.) What they found was intriguing. The students who studied harder
went to better universities and had better
jobs than those who did not. The students who did
not have a part-time job could spend more time on studying. Therefore, they were able to attend to prestigious schools
which helped them get good jobs. (This main reason was that students who
got better outcomes spared time their whole routine into their studies. If they
did not study harder than other students who took part-time jobs, they could
not enter the university and good jobs.)
Moreover, students take part-time jobs because of their issues at home.
(who take part-time jobs reason for bad atmosphere in their family.) The issues
vary from death of the parents to financial problems. (students’ parents were
already passed away, and some students’ home are not good due to the friction
between their parents.) For these reasons, they were
almost forced to take part-time jobs to make a living. Let me bring up
my own story about one of my friends. His parents
got divorced and both of them did not want to take care of my friend. (His
home was not good for relationship between his mother and father and they ended
up divorcing. There was no one who wanted to take care of him.) So he had to be
independent. He took several part-time jobs after school and he could not focus
on his studies. His grades kept going below the average and finally he did not get accepted to any of the schools that he
applied to. (could not admitted by university that he had applied.) If the circumstances had been better, he could have
spent more time studying and pursued his dreams. (he had better
environment so he could focus on his studies, he would have got better academic
performance and could go to university.)
To sum up, students should
focus on their studies for their better
future. There are only students who take part-time jobs because of domestic issues. (due to their bad home
environment.) In this regard, I firmly believe that the students should not
have part-time jobs.
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Writing
Score (0-30): 17-18
Score
(0-5): 2.50-2.75
Grammar
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타당하지만 두
번째 주장은
주제에서 벗어난
듯 합니다.
그리고 가정
환경이 불우하여
아르바이트를 하고
그것 때문에
공부 할
시간이 줄어든다는
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