▶ Your Answer : disagree
Some people think that children can make their own decisions without the help of parents. However, I believe they need to consider parents' advice. First, because of lack of experience, they might not choose the good decision. Second, parents can guide them to more safe and right way. To begin with, Iit is hard for to children to choose the right thing alone due to their lack of experience. To explain, they have much less experiences than adults, so they might not know what is better or worse choice. A wWrong choice of children can cause huge problems. For example, when my sister Ssoo was 7 years old, she wanted to drink coke very much on one evening. But my mom was not at in home, so she decided to go to the mart alone. But the way to street toward the mart was is very distracted because there was were a lot of pubs. So, she lost her way and after an 1 hour, mom and I found her crying at the playground. 사례 내용이 주장과 무슨 관련이 있는지도 함께 설명해주세요. 단순한 에피소드 소개가 아니라 아이들의 경험부족이 좋지 않은 결정을 내리게 될 수 있다는 점을 연결지어서 주장을 뒷받침하는 사례가 되게끔 보완해줄 필요가 있습니다. On top of that, parents can guide them to more safe and right way. Children are vulnerable to temptations, such as bad friends or stealing, so they need to establish their own criteria through a the help of parents. For instance, when my sister Ssoo was 10 years old, she began to hang out some defective friends who stole other friends' money. After my mom knew that truth, mom taught her that stealing was is bad thing and said to her that she had have to make a good friend. Later on, Ssoo made a lot of kind friends and thanked mom. 마찬가지로 사례가 주장과 어떤 관련이 있는지 설명해서 논지를 강화해주면 좋을 것 같아요. To sum up, when children consider parents' advice, they can go forward to better way. They need parents' advice.
Comment : 경험부족(판단력 부족)과 결정의 질을 바탕으로 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 근거를 잘 생각해주신 것 같아요. 주장에 대해서 설명하는 과정에서 '이러이러하니까 이렇다'라는 설명이 더 구체적으로 보완되어도 좋을 것 같습니다. 사례 내용이 주장을 뒷받침하고 있다는 점이 잘 드러나도록 '이 에피소드는 동생이 경험이 부족해서 생긴 일이었고 이것이 이러이러한 점을 잘 보여준다'하는 식으로 정돈해주는 내용이 들어가면 설득력과 일관성 면에서 더 유리하니 참고해주세요. 어색한 문법표현이나 대소문자 오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
|