▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether people can deal with problems on their own, so the government assistance is not necessary. (주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요) This is an intriguing topic because opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual perspectives. However, in my opinion, I support that the government should help the public to solve problems since there are predicaments that people could not handle by themselves. To begin with, people cannot cope with all their difficulties, so they sometimes need the government’s help; disastrous accidents, the improvements in public facilities, and the social medical service can be great examples. Every day, people cannot be responsible for these problems. For example, I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. When I was a middle school student, my town was damaged by a big fire. All residents were frustrated by it, and no one did not know what to do. Then, firefighters came to my town immediately. They handled the accident, so the forest fire was eliminated from the my town. After that, people were educated on the methods and precautions relating to forest fire and how to do when the forest fire happended. This proves that the government has to provide help to people in big problems.
--> 사람들이 모든 문제를 해결할 수 없다는 내용보다 "개인이 해결할 수 없는 거대한 사회적 문제는 정부가 해결할 수 있다" 등 좀 더 자세한 이유를 작성해주세요. On top of that, there is a group that definitely needs the government’s hands such as the orphans, the elderly who live alone. They do not have strength, money and even places to stay. Thus, the government has responsibility for them to enhance their quality of lives. There was a poll conducted by the Korea ministry of Health in 2015, with 200 diverse age citizens as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to determine the most important factor for people’s welfare. What they found was intriguing; the majority of respondents ranked the government’s active participation on improving welfare over other factors. An overwhelming 86% replied that the most significant factor was the nation’s grant and support, needless to say, for those who were poor and weak. The reason was that it was essential to become the developed nation and to Even though individuals can assist to solve the social problem, government is an institution that can provide greater help to social minorities and make the public’s lives happier.
--> 이유의 방향에 있어서 "정부의 도움을 필요로 하는 그룹이 있다" 에서 확장된 "정부가 '개인보다 더 큰 도움'을 줄 수 있는 사회적 약자들이 있으며, 민간 기업은 이 문제를 해결하는 데 한계가 있다" 등으로 내용을 확장하여 작성해주세요.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. (자신의 주장이 잘 정리되었다는 template보다는 설득력을 더하기 위해 주제에 대해 쓴 본인의 이유를 요약해주세요) Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
|
ORGANIZATION
|
PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
|
LANGUAGE USE
|
GRAMMAR
|
GOOD
|
FAIR
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
|