▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether it is better to buy a new technological dev-ice when it becomes available than to wait until many people take it. People from different walks of life may take different stances on the issue.When it comes to buying a new device, opinions might vary according to one's perspective of the matter. Some might think it is better to get one as soon as possible, while others might think it's wiser to wait and see. Personally, I strongly believe that buying one when it becomes available is better. with the given statement. To begin with, buying a new technological device enables people to improve their work performance. Many recent technological devices are equipped with updated functions that help people to work more efficiently and technology. When these functions are utilized, they are likely to realize that it brings about a better result. it is likely to lead to a better result. Thus, buying most recent technological devices as soon as possible on their released day is better. On the other hands, if you wait until many people take it, the device would lose their its values and other new devices tools might already be out in the market.are likely to invented. For example, a study conducted by Ohio State University shows a huge difference between two groups of young adults in their work performance. One group had the most recent smartphones was consisted of those who bought recently released smartphones, while the other group was made up of those who waited until other people took them. The researchers found that the former outperformed the latter by 25 percent. This suggests implies that obtaining the most recent recently invented technological devices is a key to success. Without this, one would fall behind. All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that rather than waiting until the people take new technological tools, buying them when they are first made available is better for one's good work performance. due to the fact that this contributes to success of work performance.
문법이랑 문장의 구조, 글의 구조적인 부분은 전체적으로 좋습니다. 하지만 주장을 뒷받침 해주는 부분이 약하니 조금 더 설득력 있게 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
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