There might be some people who believe that it is always better to
save money they earn rather than spend it right away. However, I personally
disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. Firstly, saving money
stresses people. Secondly, people lose chances of various experiences because
of saving money.
First, people are more stressed out if they save money. People today
are under a lot of stress due to the competitiveness of today’s society.
Sometime, some people come up with depression because of stress. If they have
to save money, they should work harder. It makes people be more stressed out
and quality of their life is decreased. According to recent research done by
Seoul National University’s Professor Park, the more money people save the
higher index of stress go. He researched two types of people who have similar
salaries. People of first group saved a lot of money. To be specific, they
saved money more than half of their salaries. People of second group saved
little money. Even some people saved money nothing. Surprisingly, former
person’s index of stress is much higher than latter one. It shows that people
are stressed when they save money.
Second, saving money makes
people lose chances of various experiences. To be specific, people should live
busily in order to save money. So they cannot have time to travel other
countries. Also since travelling other countries requires much money, they are not able to travel for saving money. In addition, they cannot use updated
electronic devices. These electronic devices let us not only convenient but
also fun. However, people who save a lot of money cannot use them because the
devices are expensive. 문장을 진행하는 방식이 너무 기본적입니다. 새로운 기종의 전자기기는 값비싸기 때문에 쓰지 못한다, 이렇게 쓰면 되는 것을 그들은 새 전자기기를 못 쓴다, 전자기기는 재밌고 편하다, 하지만 그들은 돈 아껴야 하기 때문에 못 쓴다, 이렇게 문장을 작성하는 경향이 심합니다..이에 대해서는 문장 쓰기 연습을 처음부터 하셔야 할 거 같습니다. 문장에 논점이 많이 없습니다. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I
was in high school, I had part time job at a restaurant. I saved almost money
from part time job for future use. However, my friend who worked with me spent
money by travelling and buying various devices. At first, I did not understand
him and I thought that my choice about saving money was better than his.
However, as time went by, I found out that a variety of experience was more
valuable. My friend wrote a good essay through his experiences and was accepted
from university he wanted. If I had traveled other countries and used updated
electronic devices by spending money, I would have entered the university I wanted.
In conclusion, saving money makes people not only be stressed and
but also lose chances of various experiences. In this regard, I strongly agree
with the statement that it is always better to spend money I earn right away
rather than save it.
almost money라는 것은 없습니다. most/almost그리고 do/are등등 기본적인 문법 오류가 너무 많이 보이는데다가, 이에 관련되어 문장력이 너무 약한 편입니다.
제 생각에는 책이나 뉴스를 읽으면서 그들이 쓰는 문장, 문장 format을 많이 공부하면서 에세이 쓰기 연습을 하시는게 도움이 더 되실 듯 합니다.