▶ Your Answer : Some people think that rural places have more advantages for people than urban places. However, in my opinion, It is more beneficial for people to live in big cities. This is because in big cities like metropolis, there are more employments opportunities as well as more facilities for convenience. To begin with, there are more job opportunities in urban areas than rural areas. What I mean is that, a lot of people are centered in cities these days. Also, assorted industries are gathered in there. Thus, people can more easily find their jobs as well as experience diverse job environments. I will introduce my friend's story to illustrate this point. He lived in suburban areas which is called Milyang. We met in high school dorm in Busan, a big city in Korea. After graduating, he left Busan since his hometown is there, but he was worried about his future. Because there are only jobs such as farmers or fishers. Hhe did not have various opportunities. Eventually he returned to Busan, and prepared for entering IT company with me. In Busan, there are dozens of works like financial, sightseeing companies y, factories and public offices. So we could experience eclectic choices and wideningr our vision. In addition, there are plenty of convenient facilities in urban districts. Theaters, hospitals, markets and even public offices are concentrated in big cities. If we live in there, we can be helped in there very easily and quickly. However, iIf we live in rural places, we have to spend times and money to come to developed areas for using them. For example, there is my experience related to this point. When I was 10 years old, our family went to grandmother's house. At that time, a lot of families gathered and enjoyed the moment. I was playing soccer with my cousins. Suddenly I hurt my arms because I fell down. So my father immediately called an ambulance, and took care of me. However, the problem was our places. We had to wait half an hour of hours and a lot of blood in my arms made me shocked. Through this experience, I realized that big cities are more easy for requesting help when I am faced with emergency. To sum up, iIn urban areas, there are more career opportunities. Also they have more accessibility to various kind of facilities than rural areas. In this regard, I firmly believe that iIt is more useful for people to live in more developed towns.
Good (24–30) 첫번째 본문 -부산에 대해 처음 부산을 언급할때 설명을 해주는 것이 좋습니다. -마지막 문장에서, eclectic choices와 병렬 구조이므로 명사형으로 써주세요. 따라서, 동명사인 widening을 써주시는 것이 적절합니다.
두번째 본문 -30분=half an hour 정확한 표현을 모르시면 30 minutes 등 정확히 아시는 표현으로 쓰셔야 실수의 위험이 줄어듭니다. -be faced with 수동태이므로 be p.p로 써줍니다.
두 본문 다 내용 괜찮습니다. 자잘한 실수들 유의해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~ |