It is
a well-known fact that an education is a foundation of a
nation. However, I don’t think that investing money
in education is the most effective way for a country to develop. (investment
on school is the most effective way in order to progress a country.) There are
other better ways. (for this.) I will explain this
by using selection and concentration strategy. (say this as,
select-and-concentration strategy.The supporting reasons are as follows.)
Above all, I believe that the most
effective way to develop a country is to invest resources (on) in businesses, ( in particular,) such as major
corporations. Needless to say, the first condition to become a stable,
developed country would be the stability of nation’s economy. In other words, a
country should be rich. The government’s support for a wide variety of
businesses will bring a more active market. To take an example of Korea, after the outbreak of the Korean War, Korea’s economy shut down and people were very poor. Nevertheless,
Korea was able to break away from poverty thanks to
big corporations like Samsung and Hyundai. (the momentum that made it
possible for Korea to escape from poverty that time was the growth of industry
giants such as Samsung and Hyundai.) These groups were supported by the government so that they could hire more people.
(and,) As a result, Korea has become one of the
most influential countries in the world. (earn money to make a country
strong. )
On top of that, in terms of
effectiveness, it would be smarter to spend money on the field that is likely to bring the best outcome in the near
future. That is what (is the) efficiency truly means. Many
experts from different fields work for the government, so they could choose the
most promising area and focus on it. (The government which is composed
of a variety of experts from all the field could choose the most promising area
and focus on that area intensively.) I believe that this would be the fastest
and the most effective way to progress. For instance, Korea has invested a lot (on) in
manufacturing cars and semiconductors for the
past 50 years. Consequently, the automobile industry and semiconductor market
are the biggest in Korea and also (lead) in the world. If all the money had been invested in other fields, (would have
invested on another field,) Korea would not have
developed so much. grown as much now.
To sum up, I think the most
effective way to make a country progress is either to invest money in a big business that could bring an instant
result or to select the most promising field to support and support this field
strongly.
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Writing Score (0-30): 18-20
Score (0-5): 2.75-3.00
Grammar & Feedback: 문법적인 오류도 많고 딱히 문법적으로 틀리지 않은 표현 이라도 너무 직역해 놓으셔서 영어표현으로는
awkward한 표현들도 있었어요. 시제와 전치사의 쓰임을 특히 주의하세요. 내용전개나 주장을 뒷받침 해주는 근거는 타당했습니다. 수고하셨어요.