▶ Your Answer : Various
opinions may exist on the argument that although science and technology will
continue to improve, the most significant improvement for people's living
quality has already taken place. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement
with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be valid evidence to support
my view.
Above
all, science and technology will be continued for people's living quality
because new communication means have been emerged continuously. Over the past
few decades, various communication means such as SNS and smart phone
applications have been developed, all of which young people today use to gain
information. They have made It makes young people more convenient. However, old people cannot
properly use those means it and find adequate information from them. it. A research conducted by
a renowned professor named Pall Waddell from Berkeley University indicates that
most people could not anticipate about new communication means expect except for
telephones in the 1990s. However, the development of technology has been
continued, with smart phones released in 2009. It changed communication means from
telephones to internet-based mobile phones. Also, these changes have helped
people's quality of life much better. 계속해서 통신수단은 더 나은 방향으로 발전할 것이라는 예상까지 함께 포함하는 편이 주장을 뒷받침하기에 더 좋을 것 같아요. Likewise, his research proved that my
argument is compelling.
On
top of that, new home appliances have been being developed. With the development of
new technology, many home electronics have been emerged, which has incredibly
reduced the time for house chores. Consequently, people could be free from the
burden of unpleasant and time-consuming tasks, which means that people could
spend their valuable time on other important things. 사람들이 이미 시간을 충분히 잘 절약하고 있다는 설명이 나오면 '중요한 발전은 모두 다 이루어졌다'라고 보는 입장에 더 부합하므로 나의 입장과는 맞지 않는 흐름이 돼요. 더 발전이 필요하다는 것이 나의 입장이므로 그에 맞는 내용 흐름이 필요해요. Let me bring up my
mother's story as an example. It used to take 5~6 hours for the average people
to wash their clothes when my mother was an elementary student in the 1980s.
Therefore, she had to spend her time washing clothes instead of studying after
school. However, these days, it just takes less than 30 minutes thanks to an electronic washing machines. She sometimes said that if an electronic washing
machines had has existed when she was attending elementary school, she would have had enough time to study.
In conclusion, I disagree with the argument due to
the aforementioned reasons. Therefore, I think that people's quality of life
will be continuously improved following science and technology advance.
Comment :
'앞으로 계속 더 발전이 이루어져야 한다(핵심적인 발전이 모두 이루어진 것이 아니다)'라는 입장을 취하고 있으므로 과거에 비해 발전한 부분들을 설명하는 것은 논점이 맞지 않아요. 지금 글에서 본론에 설명된 내용들은 과거에 비해 요즘 세상이 좋아졌다는 식으로 읽히는 부분들이 있어서 글의 일관성이 떨어질 위험이 있어요. 본론1처럼 본론2에서도 더 발전해야 하는 요소에 대한 설명이 보완되면 좋을 것 같아요. 가정법 과거완료, 자동사 수동태로 사용하지 않는 부분 문법사항 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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