▶ Your Answer :
Without doubt, choosing job plays a significant role in
people's daily lives in many of places where they work or play. Some people
think that choosing jobs which are similar to their parents' jobs is better for
children than choosing jobs which are very different from their parents' job,
while others do not believe this way. Both have their own reasons to support
their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that choosing jobs that are
similar to their parent's jobs is better for children. This is because,
children can learn skills about their jobs easily and they would be confident
in their jobs.
To begin with, if children have jobs which are
similar to their parents' job, they can easily easy
to learn skills about their jobs. To Llearn
skills about jobs requires very long time and good teachers. If children choose
jobs similar to their parents' jobs, they can learn skills since very young
ages and their parents can be good teachers for children. For example, Tom is
one of my friends and he is one of artisans, who makes
knives, in Japan. His father also was an artisan
of making knives. Tom has ve learned
skills about making knives since he was in elementary school. He had lots of
time to learn skills and his father was very good teacher. To make a good knife, it needs very elaborate skills and
special techniques that only small number of people who are called artisan,
knew. He could get got these this skills easily because he choose
a job which is similar to his parents' job. Without these experience and
chances, he would have had very hard time to
learn his skills.
Moreover, choosing jobs as same as parents’ perents' jobs makes children to be
confident. People today think that having jobs as same as parents' jobs and
continuing family jobs are admirable. This is because it requires lots of
efforts and to be patient ce. After these
requirements are fulfilled, children could be confident. For example, Tom who I mentioned above had very hard time. He
wanted to be a teacher which different his
fathers' job. However, he chose his fathers' job, because his father wants Tom
to have the his job. After he chose his fathers'^job,
he had hard time because becasue he had
to do that he does not like to do. Moreover his fathers'^job requires lots of efforts, so he spent his whole day time to
learn skills. After hard time, he had his own skills and started making beautiful beauiful and useful knives. People
neary by Tom started admiring him and his masterpieces. Finally, he now has ve sense
of confidence and this experience helps him to
live better life.
To sum up, I strongly
believe that advantages of choosing jobs that are similar to their parents'
jobs far overweigh those of disadvantages for these reasons I mentioned above.
I think that choosing jobs that are similar to their parents' jobs is better
for children than choosing jobs that are very different from their parents'
job.
Fair (17-21) 첫번째 본문 -easily 부사로 배우다를 좀더 적절하게 꾸며주세요. -대소문자 오류 learn -who 가 he를 지칭하므로 make-->makes. 단수 명사 꾸미므로 . -한명의 artisan 이므로 an artisan -Tom 단수이므로 have-->has -한개의 knife이므로 a good knife -could 뒤에 오는 동사는 원형으로 쓰셔야합니다. got-->get -복수의 skills 이므로 this-->these -가정법 would have p.p. 로 씁니다. 따라서, would have had 로 써주세요.
두번째 본문 -철자 오류. parents' -be 다음 형용사 필요합니다. patience 는 명사형입니다. patient 로 써주세요. -Tom 위에 쓰신 예시 입니다. 같은 예시 사용은 지양해주세요. -철자 오류. because -철자 오류 beautiful -과거와 다른 지금을 강조해주세요. now 추가 -he 단수이므로 have-->has -this experience 단수이므로 help-->helps
문법/표현 오류들 많습니다. 연습 많이 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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