▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that parent should spend more time doing school work for their children than playing sports or games with them. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, playing games or sports with their children enables parents to have time to communicate with them in a better way. Second, playing sports regularly is helpful for health of both parents and their children.
To begin with, parents' playing sports or games with their children regularly helps parents to make time to be friendly for their children. These days, parents spend most of their time working everyday while their children are busy studying everyday. Therefore, they actually have no time to communicate with each other. However, by having regular time to play games or sports with their children, parents can have regular opportunity to be closer with their children. Let me introduce my personal story as an example. (TOEFL에서는 Let/의문문/명령문 사용을 지양해주세요) In my childhood, my family actually had a regular time to play basketball every week. By having this regular time playing basketball together, we could have more chances to communicate with each other. I got to know my parents more than before, and they also felt that they understand my interests better. --> 중복 사용 단어, 반복되는 문장들이 있습니다. --> 문법 실수 (숙어 표현 등) 주의해주세요.
Second, if parents spend a lot of time playing games or sports with their children, it helps them and their children to improve their health. To be specific, as technology becomes advanced (increase - 양이 증가, advance - 발전), people started to use cars to move around instead. As a result, the amount of daily body movement that people had decreased, and health problems such as diabetes became serious problems in these days. However, having a regular opportunity to play sports with parents or children can help maintain their health. According to a survey done by HEAF (구체적 기관명을 표기하는 것이 좋습니다 - Health Department of South Korean Government 등), health of people who had a regular time to play sports with their family were 80% better than people who did not. Also, those who did not spend regular time to play sports with their family were more likely to get cancer than those who did so. This supports the fact that playing games or sports with their parents or children helps to maintain their health.
In conclusion, spending more time playing games or sports with their children helps/allows/다른 동의어 (enable 제외) 사용해주세요 parents to have more opportunities to communicate their children and maintain health of them and their children. In this regard, I strongly believe that parents should devote a lot of time playing games and sports with their children.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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