▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, making
relationships with people plays a significant role in many of places where
people work and play. Some people think that being away with people who we care
about would increase relationships with them, while others do not. Both views have
their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say
that being together would be better to improve the realtionships relationship with them. There is a reason as follow.
To begin with, spending time
with cherish people you cherish would
help peoples hoping to increase their bonds with
others, increasing the level of happiness
directly and efficiently. While meeting someone in a warm and comfortable
atmosphere, people could talk to each other with seeing their faces and
touch others body face to face. When they
make a realtionships with seeing and touching other people relationship in person, it used to generally
brings a better result. For example, Tokyo Universtiy
University found a huge difference with between young adults in a statisfaction regarding the level of satisfaction of a relationship
with their family. One group consisted of those
who met with their parents once in a month at least regularly. On the
other hand, the other group was made up of those who did not meet their parents
unless there was a special family event. without
special family event. The researchers found that the former group was more
satisfied with their relationship with their parents, which was identified that
they marked the higher satisfaction option in the test questionary questionnaire. However, the latter group showed a low satisfaction score on that test. In particular,
the individuals in the first group usually hugged
their family members when they met and talked,
and they could have had a higher level of
attention by seeing their expressions while having a conversation. Meanwhile,
even thougth though some of the latter
group kept their in touch many times with
their parents by telephone, they could not be well satisfied with thier
the bond with their
parents. This means that the being together in a place is crucial role
in improving their bond. Without spending time together, they would be not
satisfied with their relationship.
All things considered, I strongly believed that
the advantages of meeting people we care about outperform to those of
being away with from them for the reasons
I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of being together in a joyful enjoyful atmosphere cannot be underestimated in life.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
13 |
Overall
Comment: |
포인트가 무엇인지 잘 파악은
했지만, 전체적으로 문법 오류가 너무나도 많습니다. 문법 오류가 많으면 글을 평가하는 사람 입장에선 포인트를 찾기가 어렵고, 논리적이지
않아 보이고 특히 흐름이 매우 매끄럽지 않아 보일 수 있습니다. 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
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