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Some people believe that it is necessary that people's freedom is limited throughout some regulations and rules. However, this essay will contend that the regulations and rules would have deleterious effects on the modern society. This is because the restriction can undermine people's imagination power. Moreover, human right is able to be aggravated (어색한 표현입니다) because of the rules.
To begin with, it is possible that people's freedom helps them to create ingenuous idea having freedom allows people to come up with new ideas. The imagination power of humans is unlimited (조금 어색한 표현입니다 There is no limit to imagination). However, if some regulations that prevent people from imagining is are introduced induced, the range of imagination will convert unlimitedness into limitation (굉장히 어색한 표현입니다). This means that people should need to consider a lot of laws when they try to realize their imagination. Thus, they would take a long time to construct pioneering object or thinking (어색한 표현입니다) because they should correct and examine in the laws (법을 고치고 검토하다로 해석이 됩니다 - because they would need to see if their actions are not against the laws). For example, Edison is a seems to be (확실하지 않은 느낌을 주는 seems표현은 자제해주세요) representative case. the fact that he could create new invention freely He was able to create inventions freely. In the traditional society Long time ago/Before, there were no adequate regulations in connection with invention (해석이 어려운 어색한 문장입니다). Under such circumstance, it was feasible thatEdison had a lot of opportunities to realize his work resources that he imagined. With the freedom of imagination, he was putting made a significant contribution to improving the quality of life through his inventions such as light bulbs.
In addition, some regulations can cause the human rights to be vitiated (어색한 표현입니다). In today's society, human has people have the right to be respected and acknowledged from others, and the right should be guaranteed and protected from suppression or compulsion. However, all of laws are not utilized in an applauding manner (어색한 표현입니다). Also, laws and regulations are likely to be enacted by people's greed and selfishness, which results in ignoring human's deference (존경, 존중을 뜻하는 단어인데 이 맥락에서 쓰임이 어색합니다). For instance, Nelson Mandela was lauded as the symbol of freedom and equality (사람한테 symbol이라고 하는 것이 조금 부자연스럽습니다). He went through great lengths to delve into effective ways to stop apartheid and, legal racial segregation. With his efforts, nationwide anti-apartheid movements began was occurred. As a result, he could safeguard human's rights and freedom from such adversarial laws (이전 문장에서 이 'such laws'가 받을만한 laws가 등장하지 않아서 흐름이 어색합니다).
To summarize, freedom is conducive to forming inventive thinking (어색한 표현입니다) and making new invention, and moreover some regulations plays a critical role in violating human rights on aggravating human's right. Considering the above two reasons, people's freedom should be protected with little regard of regulation and rule.
Score: 10-11 Comments: - 들여쓰기, 엔터스페이싱 중 한가지만 선택해주세요. - 전체적으로 어색한 표현이 많습니다. 대부분 단어들이 잘못 쓰여서 그런 것 같아요. 확실히 응용할 수 있는 표현이나 단어만 써주시고, 단어 공부하실 때 예문과 함께 봐주세요. - 주제가 많이 어려운데 이유를 잘 잡아주신 것 같습니다. 그런데 전체적으로 laws, regulations에 포커스가 많이 되어있습니다. 그런데 정확히 어떤 규정이 사람들의 imagination을 제한하고 있는지에 대해서는 예시를 들어주지 않으셨어요. 전체적으로 더 구체적인 설명이 필요해보입니다. "어떤 법은 사람들이 상상을 하지 못하게 한다"라고 표현하신 게 조금 추상적입니다. 더 명확한 논리가 필요해요. - 본론2에 나온 이유가 정확히 뭔지 이해하기가 어렵습니다. - human rights: 인권 (human's right이라고 쓰지 말아주세요)
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