▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that buying domestic products is better than buying foreign ones regardless of their cost. They may think that it can help domestic companies grow more. However, I do not agree with the above opinion above. (above가 부사가 아닌 형용사일 때는 명사 앞에서만 수식합니다. 이전 첨삭에서 제가 못 보고 지나쳤네요ㅠㅠ) This is because people can have more opportunities to buy good quality of products and make domestic companies develop their products. First of all, people can get more opportunities to purchase good quality of products. Generally, there are many foreign products with good quality selling at the reasonable price. Thus, people can get more chances to purchase good products by considering not only domestic products but also foreign ones. For instance, when I bought a new computer, I considered only domestic products. However, I was disappointed that the durability of the computer was worse and its speed was slower than other computers. A few months later, my brother recommended me to buy another computer made by a Japanese company and I was very satisfied with it because it was faster, cheaper and durable. 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 의미를 갖는지 간단히 설명해주세요. 국내 제품만 고려하면 합리적 선택이 어려울 수 있는데 해외 물품군까지 모두 고려하면 가격대비 더 좋은 품질의 물건을 찾아볼 기회가 커지기 때문에 합리적 소비에 도움이 된다, 하는 식의 정돈이 한 번 더 있어도 좋을 것 같아요. Second, it can make domestic companies improve their products. If people choose the foreign products depending on their quality, domestic companies would try to improve their products’ quality. For example, my father worked at a paper company. One day, he realized customers preferred a foreign company’s paper than his company’s one. That was because the foreign company provided good papers that were more thick and soft with reasonable prices. Thus, my father claimed to his supervisor that his company needed to make paper more durable, and the supervisor adapted his suggestion. Therefore, his company started to improve the quality of their paper. As a result, my father’s company could have more customers than before. 이 부분도 사례와 관련지어서 설명하는 문장이 보완되어도 좋을 것 같아요. To sum up, I believe that people should buy products considering its quality rather than purchase domestic products. This is because people can be more satisfied with the product and it can make domestic companies improve their products.
Comment : 이전 글보다 논리 전개가 잘 다듬어진 것 같아요. 보통 [주장-설명-사례-주장강조]형태로 단계적 구성을 평가한다고 하니 마지막 문장에서 내 주장을 한 번 더 강화하는 역할을 하는 문장을 보완하시는 것도 좋은 전략이 될 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 간결하게 논리를 잘 풀어주셨어요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Effectively addresses the topic and task (주어진 주제에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 답변을 제시함) - Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절한 설명과 예시를 사용하여 글을 전개・구성함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiomaticity, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors (사소한 어휘・문법적 오류를 보일 수는 있으나 대체로 적절한 어휘와 표현을 사용하고 다양한 형태의 문장, 유창한 언어 구사력을 보임)
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