▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument that Iit is more beneficial that to keep old friends than make new ones. In fact, I strongly disagree with this idea for several reasons.
To begin with, most people agree that meeting various people plays an important role in broadening our their perspective. This is because wWhen we make new friends having different backgrounds, we could share a variety of ideas and interests, which helps us to learn about many things that we have never known before. For example, when I was in high school, I joined a science group to build up new relationships. I was did not interested in science originally. However, after communicating with new friends in the group, I realized that having science knowledge is very important in our lives and I had a objective outlook. 사례가 주장과 무슨 관련이 있는지 설명해주세요. 관심 없던 것에 관심을 갖게 됐다는 이야기로만 끝나면 주제에 대한 답변으로 내용을 연결할 수 없기 때문에 연결고리를 보여주는 게 좋아요.
Another point to remember is that it is helpful for getting a job that when we try to socialize socializing with various people. Basically, when we make new friends, we could improve our social skills. This is very important in obtaining a job because modern companies consider that socializing with others is as an essential ability in conducting tasks. As an illustration, my father, a boss in a small company, sometimes says that in a job interview, he and other interviewers mainly consider look at not only applicants' expertise but also social and communicating skills. This is due to the fact that the company requires employees to attract clients' interests. 마찬가지로 사례 내용을 주장과 연결지어서 설명하는 부분을 보완해주세요. 친구를 사귀는 능력이 아니라 새로운 친구를 다양하게 만드는 것이 중요하다는 논점이 되어야 하므로 'social skill의 중요성'으로 자칫 논점이 어긋나지 않게 유의해주세요.
In conclusion, it is reasonable to say that making new friends is more helpful to us in terms of broadening our perspective and developing our career.
Comment : 더 넓은 시야와 사교성 확보의 측면에서 주장을 잘 생각해주셨어요. 설명과 사례 내용이 일관성을 가지고 한 가지 요지로 모아질 수 있도록 본론 내에서 연결고리를 보완하는 부분들을 신경써주세요. 문법오류와 대소문자 오탈자도 꼼곰하게 체크해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 언어 사용을 보임) |