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These days, many professors all over the country
request to the universities to increase their salary. the income. Therefore, the idea that if
the school invests the instructors it can cause the quality of instruction to
be much better is becoming considered as an important topic. Some people will
disagree with it because it is not helpful for students to have a good
education. However, I strongly agree with this idea for with two reasons that offering
higher salaries to of professors makes them to concentrate more on preparing for
the class and spend their money for on students.
Firstly, higher salaries can lead the teachers to
focus on instruction more and more. What I mean is that excluding teaching,
most of professors spend their time and energy working to work on other tasks such as
taking part in doing researches with the big famous corporations to earn much more money. For example,aAccording to the Harvard university research team, 90% of
faculties are now conducting other research workings during the semester and the first
rank of the reason why they do such things is to make money. 제시한 내용을 주장과 연결지어서 더 설명해주세요. 이러한 상황에서 봉급을 올려주면 교수들이 수업 준비에 더 집중할 수 있다는 설명까지 연결이 필요해요.
Secondly, professors will invest their incomes on to
the their pupils if they are given much money from the campus. To be specific,
according to the interview of Mr. Eric, one of the Art faculty members who is major in arts in
Stanford University and , , insists strongly university should increase the salaries
of instructors. Hhe is willing to share experiences such as watching musicals
with students and discuss the review in the class. However, he does not have
enough money to give an opportunity for students to go and enjoy the famous
performances because of his low income. Also, he mentioned that he would will spend
his money on students in class if he gets much more salary. 모든 교수가 돈을 더 받으면 학생에게 쓰리라는 보장도 없고, 월급을 학생에게 쓰라고 올려주는 것은 말이 되지 않기 때문에 설득력이 떨어지는 주장이 됩니다. 주제에 더 잘 부합할 수 있는 다른 주장을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, I am for the idea issue that spending
much money on the professors allows let the students to have better education for two
reasons I mentioned above, though some opponents argue that it would not be not
useful for the disciples.
Comment :
교수의 봉급을 올리는 것이 더 나은 질의 수업을 만들 수 있다는 본론1의 주장은 아주 좋아요. 다만 이 내용은 설명이 더 보완될 필요가 있습니다. 본론2의 주장은 설득력이 약하기 때문에 다른 주장을 생각해주시는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요. 월급을 다시 일에 투자하는 것 자체가 설득력이 떨어지기 때문에 논리적으로 풀어내기가 어렵습니다. 전반적으로 문법오류가 좀 있는 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
- Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우)
- Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task
(설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류)