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Some people might think that grading system in education is necessary because it gives a criteria to evaluate the student competence they have. In my opinion, however, this is not always the case. Following essay will argue that providing grades to students is not always beneficial for several reasons. First of all, the grading system causes a lot of stress to the students. That is, students tend to avoid studying hard in onerous courses or subjects because they worry ied about getting lower grade in the subjects. There are many important courses to learn for the students even though the contents are difficult to understand and follow. However, due to the anxiety of getting a bad score in the area, they easily give up to try to study hard. For example, when I was a first grade in college, physics were too much difficult for me to study and eventually got failed to the subject. The result was not wasn't surprising surprised for me because I paid less time and effort in studying the subject. But after 2 years later, eventually the experience turned back on me when I realized that physics was one of the most essential subjects to be learned for my future post career. At the time, I regretted a lot of what I have i've done in the first year in college. If I have not haven't gotten a suppression about getting good score in every subject, I would have not given gave up so easily like that and might have gotten a better result. On top of that, this grading system can eclipse the importance of other vital subjects. There are a lot of matters than cannot can't be measured in simple grade such as like integrity, perseverance, and or collaboration ability. Majority of students are missing these kinds of thingks due to concentrating making concentration only to raising grades. According to a survey held in Seoul University in Korea at 2015, people who were trying to get admission for the college had magnificent score on their SAT. However, the researcher also found that even though they were deft on examination, they were lack of other social related competence such as collaboration because they did not didn't have much time to spend in that field. The researcher actually said that they need additional system which can evaluate an interior factor that influences their personalities or characteristics. The survey tells us that focusing only on to the apparent score can risk other vital factors to be ignored. To sum up, grading system can cause a lot of stress to the students and leave open possibilities that other important factors can be eclipsed. In these regard, providing students with grade system is not isn't always beneficial to promote their learning competence.
첨삭도 첨삭이지만 혹시 이정도면 몇점 정도 맞는지 가능하다면 같이 가늠해주시면 감사하겠습니다. 제가 계속 라이팅 연습한다고 하는데 점수가 안올라서 뭐가 문제인지 모르겠어서 분석좀 해보려고 합니다. (계속 이런식으로 써 왔는데 대부분 19 ~ 22 사이더라구요...ㅠ)
Fair/Good (22-24)
첫번째 본문 -두번째 줄 -시제를 현재 시제로 썼으므로 worried-->worry로 해주세요 -축약형 지양해주세요. wasn't-->was not, haven't--> have not I've--> I have -중간에, was not surprising 혹은 did not surprise me 로 써주세요. be p.p 하시면 수동태로, 원하시는 의미로 전달되지 않습니다. -post+A하면 A이후에 라는 뜻입니다. 문맥상 커리어 다음의 일이 아니라 커리어에 관한 것이니 future career이 더 어울립니다. -have p.p (과거완료) 로 써주세요. get-got-gotten -같은 맥락에서, 가정법 if 절에서, ,뒤에 would/should/could/might + have p.p 로 써주세요. 이 경우에는 give-gave-given 이므로 given으로 써주세요. -마지막 gotten도 위와 같은 맥락입니다. -내용상, 점수를 받는 것이 너무 스트레스라서 오히려 그 과목에 대해 잘 배우지 못했다는 것이 내용인데, 점수를 받지 않는 상황이였으면 어땠을지에 대한 상황을 조금만 더 구체화시켜서 적어주세요.
두번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. -such like-->such as -such as A and B 가 자연스럽습니다. -making concentration 은 굉장히 부자연스러운 표현입니다. 그냥 concentrating으로 해주세요. -중간에, be lack of -마지막 문장에서, focus는 on하고 잘 어울립니다. -중간에 줄 친 부분, 의미 전달이 모호합니다. 좀더 명확히 써주세요. -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, inferior factor에 대한 설명을 해주세요. -내용상, 전달하고자하는 의미는 알겠지만, 본인이 함축하고 암시하는, 다시말해, 겉으로 드러나지 않게 전달하는 내용들이 있습니다. 본인의 주장과 관련된 내용은 독자가 아무것도 모른다는 가정하에 최대한 자세하지만 명확하게 써주세요. 그래야 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
전체적으로 문법 실수가 많으시고 표현면에서 매끄럽지 못한 부분들이 있습니다. 그런 면들 때문에 내용이 모호해지고 전달하고자 하는 내용의 명확성이 떨어집니다. 문법을 우선 다듬으시고, 내용면에서도 꼭 필요한 내용들만 자세하고 명확하게 써주세요. 지금도 나쁘진 않으나, 조금만 다듬으시면 많이 좋아지실 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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