▶ Your Answer : There are so many ways to develop a country. Among them, I think the most important thing is making good school education. It is It's because education is basis of everything and the most efficient way to make desirable citizens is teaching students correctly. ^ To begin with, foundation of a nation is a school education. Education is directly literally linked with other areas closely. For example, in some countries including Korea, students and their parents excessively focus on university entrance exam. So, the most of school curriculums are made only for the sake for the only sake of university entrance.^If this problem is solved, social atmosphere that discriminates in favor of prestigious university graduates against others will be disappeared. Then companies will pick more appropriate people based on their sincere ability, not on their university. In this case, the educational change can make social and economical changes altogether either. Like this, if we make changes in school, we can expect other fields' changes too. ^ On top of that, the most clear way to make healthy citizens is to teach them well when they are students. If we do not don't make desirable citizen culture, every good policies and changes are useless because citizens will not don't follow them. Students will grow up and make up society after they graduate. Future politicians, enterprisers, office workers are all in school at their childhood and adolescene which have a huge effect on their character and value formation. For example, there are a lot of cases that people who could not couldn't get sound school education and became criminals afterwards. This not means that every non school educated people be a crimials, but it is it's true that sound school education is important for desirable human growth. ^ To sum up, a school is a critical institution that affects every areas and makes good citizens who construct healthy society. So, I think the most direct and essential way to develop a country is improving schools.
Fair/Good (22-24)
첫번째 본문 -직접적으로의 의미는 literally보다는 directly가 더 적합합니다. -for the sake of 는 한번에 써주시고 중간에 뭐 넣지 않아주세요. -문단 중간에 줄바꿈 하지 않습니다. -끝에서 두번째 줄에서, either은 둘 중 하나라는 뜻이므로, 둘다, 다같이 라는 뜻에 맞게 하시려면 altogether로 써주세요. -내용에서, 교육의 변화가 경제의 변화를 가져올 수 있다고 했는데, 그 부분에 대한 설명과 이유를 써주세요. 두번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. -철자 오류 유의해주세요. -세번째 줄에서, will not이 문맥상 더 어울립니다. -교육을 받지 못한 사람들의 범죄율 같은 것을 통계 수치로 나타내거나, 어떤 조사에서 이런 결과가 나왔다는 식으로 객관성을 더하면 글의 설득력이 높아집니다. 이런 근거없이 교육 못받으면 사회성이 떨어진다는 결론은 조금 비약입니다.
문법/철자/표현 연습해주세요. 내용도, 본인의 주장을 좀더 살릴 수 있는 이유/설명을 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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