▶ Your Answer :
Some
people take it for granted that waiting until new device become popular is more
lucrative because it will be cheaper soon with increasing production. However,
in contrast to the opinion, I strongly believe that purchasing new devices as
soon as they are it is released is much better. The underlying logic behind this is that
this can help to work better, and to deal with stress better.
First of
all, new technological devices play an important role in increasing work
efficiency. The fundamental reason is that new gadgets have various helpful
functions for us to work more easily and conveniently, so they can be a facilitator
which motivates people to work or study with great zeal and enthusiasm. These
highly motivated people make more efforts and feel more responsible for their
tasks, which can lead to a better outcome at school or work. I experience a
similar situation before. When I was a high school student, I was having a hard
time studying to study English with my old paper dictionary. However, after my father bought
an electronic dictionary for me, I could study more
efficiently and got more much higher English scores in the mid-term exam. This was
because I could save much more time with my new electronic dictionary having with various useful functions.
Moreover,
having new devices helps people to deal with stress well. This is mainly because
trying to adapt new devices can relax and clear the mind. This enables can be a fresh
approach to the perplexing and stressful problems at work or school. Therefore,
using the new electronics is the easiest and quickest way to escape from the
harsh reality that is full of piles of stressful work and relationship
problems. 새로운 device에 적응하는 것이 스트레스를 풀어준다는 설명은 좀 억지스러운 것 같아요. For example, I once lived a stressful life because of lots of assignments
at school. However, after I purchased the newest smartphone, I could blow my
worries up and always spend an exciting time with it. whenever I wanted to do. This is
because I could listen to my favorite music, enjoy the smartphone games, and freely
contact with friends.
In
conclusion, without any doubt, I firmly believe that trying to up to date
gadgets quickly benefits our lives. The reason is that they can improve efficiency at
work and enable us to relieve stress.
Comment : 새로운 전자기기 등을 출시되자마자 '바로' 사는 것에 대한 질문이기 때문에 단순히 새로운 것을 사면 좋다는 식의 뉘앙스로 풀어내는 것은 아쉬워요. 새로운 것에 적응하느라 스트레스를 풀 수 있다는 설명은 조금 억지스러운 면이 있으니 다른 모델에세이를 활용하면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 모델에세이를 응용해서 답을 작성할 때는 논제와 관련없는 부분들을 정리하고 topic에 맞게 적절히 다듬는 부분이 중요해요. 주제가 잘 반영될 수 있도록 흐름을 좀 더 다듬어주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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