▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided whether parents should have a time with their children having
a fun time such as playing games or sports or doing things related to
schoolwork. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take
diverse positions on this controversial issue. Personally, playing with their
children is much more benefits than doing things related to schoolwork for
the following reasons.
To begin with, children today have already been stressed out. If
they have a time doing academic things with their parents, they could not
release their stress and they would not didn't enjoy a time with their parents. On the
other hand, if they play game or sports and have a good time with their
parents, children would like to play with their parents. When I was an
elementary school student, my parents were very busy doing their jobs. However,
they always tried to have a good time with me. My family used to go to a park near
my house and do various activities every weekend such as playing badminton,
soccer and so on. Moreover, we had family unions every vacation. All of
these activities made me release my stress from studying and doing
homework during each semester. If I had not hadn't had the great time with my
family, I could not couldn't have reduced all my stress at all. The same situation can
apply to those who have a good time with their parents.
On the top of that, playing with parents has a positive effect on children’s
personality. Children can become active and outgoing by playing games or sports
with their parents. As a result, they can broaden relationship with their
friends and have a good time with them. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read
an article which was related to the topic. It described the result of a
research conducted by Seoul National University. The researcher investigated on
the relationship between children’s personality and the amount of time they had
with their children. The result was that there was a high correlation between the
amount of time they have with parents and activeness. In other words, the more
time children have with their parents, the more active children are. This
clearly proves that playing with their children can make them more active and
outgoing.
As I mentioned above, based on my personal example and the op-ed
piece, I can conclude that having a fun playing sports and games with
their children have much more antages than doing things related
to schoolwork.
Good (24–30)
첫번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. -끝에서 다섯번째 줄에서, could not 이 아니라 could 이 문맥상 더 의미가 맞습니다.
두번째 본문 -on top of that 입니다. 둘다 내용/이유/설명 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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