▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that it is acceptable
for the government to neglect environmental aspects for the economic growth.
However, in my opinion, the government must not ignore the environment when
they pursue the improvement of economy. C, considering the fact that there are so
many eco-friendly resources and money is not important than the environment.
To
begin with, for several decades, it became possible for industries to take
advantage of many eco-friendly energy sources. To be specific, many companies are
developing industries with natural sources such as sun or wind energy and also
they prefer to use those kinds of resources concerning the environment. For
example, there was a survey conducted by a group of ministry of economy with
200 world prominent CEOs as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to
understand how much they consider the nature when they manage the company. A
majority of respondents replied that they have already been already running the company
with eco-friendly resources. an oOverwhelming 85% responded that they are willing
to develop the company in eco-friendly way and keep this direction. This survey
proves that even company thinks it is possible to promote economic growth with
keeping nature. Therefore, the government does not need to neglect the aspect
of environment.
On
top of that, The money is not important than the environment. In addition,
wWhile we can not live in polluted environment, we can live without growth of
economy. Of course, growth of economy gives us more well-being lifestyles but,
it is not necessary for our survival. For example, I will talk about situation
of Japan and China as an example to elucidate my point. In the case of China, the policy of
the government was only pursing the growth of economy without thinking about environment. In contrast,
Japan proceeded the industries concerning so much about considering their nature so much. Consequently,
China is one of the most polluted countries countires in the world triggering so many diseases
by smogs and Japan became the second biggest economic country after the United
States.
To
sum up, due to the fact that there are still usable eco-friendly energy which
is preferred by the business CEOs and environment is necessary for our
survival, I can assuredly say that Tthe government should not neglect the
environment to improve the economy.
Comment : 전체적으로 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 풀어주신 것 같아요. 본론 1에서 '기업도 노력하는데 정부가 무시하면 안 된다'라는 식의 표현보다는 '얼마든지 환경을 파괴하지 않는 선에서 발전이 가능하니까 눈감을 일이 아니다'하는 식으로 좀 더 명확하게 설명해주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어색한 표현이나 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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