▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that having friends who are different from you is better than
those who are similar to you. However, in my opinion, having friends who are
similar to you is beneficial than those who are different from you in may
aspects. This is because people can be easily stressed out when they have trouble
with others. Also, they can get a sense of responsibility quickly when they
work with those who are similar to them.
First of all, they
can get stressed when their thinking is incompatible with other’s thinking. This is due to the fact that If a disagreement with each other occurs, they would not be able to reach their
goal easily since they could have difficulties tuning their opinion. Moreover, stress
is one of the major factors of disease by weakening the immune system. According
to a research conducted by a Seoul National University of Korea in 2010, a test
on mice showed that life span was shortened when they regularly underwent
series of electric shocks. Interestingly, the researcher found a connection between
this and human beings who suffered from periodic stress. This implies that high
stress levels coming from friends who has a different mindset negatively affect
humans resulting in a shorter life span. (작성한 예시가 주장하는 바를 support한다고 보기 어렵습니다. 주장을 extreme하지 않게 다듬어주시고 의견을 맞추는 데 있어서 금전적/시간적 비용이 소요되어 비효율적이라는 점을 강조해주세요)
On top of that,
when they communicate with similar friends, they can rapidly foster a sense of
responsibility such as arriving on time, meeting deadline, or observing the
regulations by thoroughly completing their tasks and managing their schedules
wisely. What I mean is that they are likely to fulfill
their promise to get along with them when they know each other well. ('나'와 다른 사람과는 이러한 connection을 만들 수 없는지 확인 후 내용을 재구성해주세요.) According to a National Youth Leadership
Association, students who had a study group with those who have similar
opinion did better academically than those who did not have since they can handle
multiple tasks and responsibilities and can consequently manage their time
well. On the whole, students who work in groups with similar those are more
mature and better equipped to succeed than those who are not similar.
예시가 주장하는 2번째 이유와 크게 관련이 없습니다. 어떻게 '본인과 비슷한 친구'를 만나며 책임감을 쌓을 수 있는지를 증명하는 예시를 제시해주세요. To
sum up, getting along with friends who think in a similar way encourage
them to get less amount of stress and own diverse responsibilities. In this regard, it
is beneficial for people to make friends who are similar in order to ensure
their future success.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
|
LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 주장하고자 하는 바가 다소 extreme하거나 biased되어 있으며 예시는 전체 주장/이유와 무관한 내용이 나열되어 있습니다. Template예시는 그대로 작성하는 것이 아닌 각 주제에 맞게 형태를 바꿔야 하기 때문에 이 점 주의해주세요. |