▶ Your Answer :
There are some disagreements over whether
or not watching a performance in person takes precedence over viewing it on
television. Some people believe that watching at a concert directly makes
people be happy. My view, however, is that viewing a performance on television
has a lot of advantages. This is because watching directly at the concert
waste valuable their time. Moreover, people have to spend a lot of time for a
ticket.
To
begin with, people should dissipate their valuable time for watching a performance
in person. In the modern society, people have a lot of works and assignments to
be successful because there is intense competition among them. Thus, people do
not have enough time to be at a concert. People had to wait for a long
time at a concert to watch a performance that goes on for an hour to two hours. However, nowadays, people can (should는 권장하거나 권유할 때 사용) choose to watch
the musical or the concert that they want to see without waiting, thanks to the internet which broadcasts the show. According to
the study conducted by a team at Korea University, the research revealed that
the total income in connection with a concert and musical was decreased after
the advent of the internet. They mentioned that the reason was that the number of people purchasing the concert ticket is decreasing since it was
possible for people to access to the internet and watch the show whenever they want. Before the
development of the internet, people were often stressed out when they went to a
concert owing to waiting. However, they no longer have to wait for the
concert with the help of the internet.
In addition, people use a lot of money to
watch a performance in person. People only have limited opportunity to watch a
performance in person. when they have a ticket. Occasionally, the concert ticket of a
famous singer or the musical of a famous act is very expensive and difficult to get. possible for people to pay a
lot of money because the ticket is difficult to have as well as expensive.
However, people can watch their song and act without expensive fee through the
television. Also, the internet makes it possible for people to watch the performance for free. even
feel like they are at the concert whenever they want. The factor of the
internet gives people the chance to be familiar with a singer or a actor in a
concert. For instance, with the advanced technology, the amount of people (어느 국가의/도시의 사람들인지 구체적으로 적어주세요) using music player programs provided in the internet was dramatically increased. This
was due to the fact that the enhanced science was putting a significant
contribution to ameliorate the quality of sound that was enough to fulfill the
demand of audience who went to the concert because of the quality of sound. As
a result, a lot of audiences did not need to go to the concert because they
watched the show through the internet.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
|
LIMITED
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR
|
FAIR-LIMITED
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
--> 예시가 구체적이라고 보기 어렵습니다. statistics/지역 내 population 예시를 적을 경우 구체적인 국가/도시/몇명이 조사에 임했는지 등을 표기하여 예시가 실제 사례이거나 실제 사례에 가까울 만큼 설득력이 있음을 보여줘야 합니다.
--> 2nd paragraph는 티켓이 비싸다는 내용에 집중할지 현대 기술이 발달하여 집에서도 콘서트의 생동감을 경험할 수 있다는 내용에 집중할지 선택 후 정리해주세요.
--> 결론이 없습니다.
--> 문장이 불필요하게 긴 경우가 많이 보입니다. 때로는 문장을 간결히 작성해주세요. |