▶ Your Answer :
It is disputable that as a society develops, it is not useful for grandparents to give grandchildren advice. It is interesting question because opinions regarding this issue can be different relying on individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I contend that inspite of that although a society develops, it is useful for grandparents to give grandchildren advice with following reasons.
To start with, a society changes in many aspects so maybe the old advice can be relevant to how to solve use something. In On the contrary, some advice correlated to how to deal with some situations and how to behave to be a better person is not useless. 두 내용 모두 구시대의 조언이라도 도움이 되는 부분들이 있다는 설명이므로 On the contrary 연결어구는 맞지 않아요. 사회가 아무리 바뀐다고 하더라도 바뀌지 않는 가치가 있기 때문에 그와 관련된 grandparents의 조언은 충분히 유용하다, 라는 요지가 드러나도록 정리해주세요. For example, my grandmother had said that all people do choose something new knew due to people are created to make knew new way and always making a familiar decision makes you a person who cannot try something new. pick up that you have not been. At that time, I did not realize what the saying meant. As time passed by, as times go on, I realized what the words mean. aAs a child, I was a child who did not do something I could not cannot do well. I always did what I could can make a better attainment. I did not concentrate on my grandmother’s advice because I thought due to society had is so much changed and my grandmother’s words were not valuable value at this that time. However, now I think, I was absolutely wrong. Grandparents' grand parents advice is are valueable valuable in these day.
In addition, grandparents are people who know you well. To be specific, advice given from people who know you well are is useful because they can give advice that suits you. For example, a recent study shows a list which illustrates a person that recent university students surveyed were to picked up to listen to suitable advice. fFor advice, grandparents were situated on the so top on of the list. students who chose choose grandparents as an advisor mostly mentioned that the reason that he or she chose choose grandparents was they do well know about them.
To sum up, I disagree with the statement that asserts grandparents’ advice is not useful in this developed society. I give you two reasons that support my opinion. First, there are is some useful advice that the usefulness is not changed from the past to the present. Second, grandparents’ advice is useful because they know you very well.
Comment : 시대가 달라져도 변하지 않는 가치가 있고 이것을 조부모들이 잘 조언해줄 수 있다는 점, 조부모가 손주를 잘 아니까 좋은 조언을 해줄 수 있다는 주장이 좋았습니다. 이 내용이 더 잘 드러나도록 각 본론에서 필요한 설명을 좀 더 보완하고 크게 필요하지 않은 내용들은 논점을 흐릴 가능성이 있으니 삭제해서 정리해주세요. 두 본론이 비슷한 분량을 가질 수 있도록 균형을 맞춰주는 것이 좋습니다. 오탈자와 문법 오류가 너무 많습니다. 수량표현, 시제일치, 품사사용 등 문법요소에도 더 신경써서 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |