▶ Your Answer :
There is some argument over whether or not
universities should spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries. Some
people prefer investing money in libraries because they believe that it makes
student stimulates students to help study hard. However, in my opinion, spending money on
sports is also more preferable. This is because sports activities improve students' student’s
physical health as well as enhance their social skills.
To begin with, sports
activities lead to promoting university students' student’s healthier lifestyles. Of course, funding
library might motivate students student’s academic to study more diligently. But it is no
secret that sedentary habits are not helpful for student’s physical health ability. 대학에서 스포츠에 투자해야 이런 부분이 개선될 수 있다는 설명까지 보완해서 주제와의 연관성을 더 강조해주세요. To give a personal example, my mom used to spend most of her time in the
library studying. Consequently, she began to gain diseases and obesity, so she
had to fix her wrong lifestyle by her doctor's advice. As a result, she started
to exercise in gym and she earned more vigor and she altered her sedentary
lifestyle. From my mother’s account, it is essential for university to aid in student’s
physical health. 사례 내용도 '대학의 스포츠 시설/활동 지원'과 관련지어서 제시해주는 것이 좋습니다.
Second of all, on-campus
sports activities foster student’s interpersonal skills. Most of team sports such
as soccer, Ffootball and baseball require teamwork. Unless even one person
cooperates in team, it could be hard to retain the team. as a team. 대학의 스포츠 지원을 통해 학생들이 이런 점을 배울 수 있고, 이것이 굉장히 중요하다는 점을 함께 설명해서 논지를 강화해주세요. For instance, when I
was in high school, I always wanted to join in club with alone. However, for
some mistake, I need to complete joined a football club to graduate. At first, I was
not sure that I could to interact with others, but as time goes on, I find myself dogmatic and
I tried try to change myself to communicate with my team members. Eventually, we could get an award from a football competition hosted by my high school principal and I became to
reinforce my social skills. 대학에서 스포츠에 투자하는 것에 대한 문제인데 굳이 고등학교때의 경험을 가져오는 것은 크게 도움이 되지 않아요. 대학에서 스포츠 지원을 통해 실제로 학생들의 social skill을 증진시킬 수 있었던 사례를 제시하는 편이 더 적절해 보입니다.
To sum up,
investing fund in sports students is inevitable for universities because it not only motivates student to improve their physical ability but also helps to learn social skills. aid one another..
For these reasons, I believe that reluctant to spend universities' spending money on sport activities
is not beneficial for students.
Comment : 학생들의 체력을 증진시키고 사교성을 기를 수 있다는 주장은 입장을 뒷받침하기에 적절합니다. 현재 답안은 논점을 벗어날 우려가 있는 내용들이 들어가 있어서 좀 아쉬워요. 각 본론의 내용을 주제와 연관지어서 더 설명하고, 사례 내용을 주장과 좀 더 관련성 높은 내용으로 수정해주세요. 오탈자와 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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