▶ Your Answer :
Some people would say that workers do not have to
be demanded to retire when they become old. However, I have a different idea. I
strongly believe that employees need to be forced to assign resign from their position if they get old.
To begin with, people should be required to
retire if they become old because companies can minimize wages budget and
increase profit. In order words, the longer employees work in a company, the more salary companies pay for them.
This leads to financial problems to companies. For example, these days many
firms seriously consider old workers' wages in order to maintain the company’s stability of finance. Most of them
receive more salary than new employees, who have been
working for less than three years. work from one year to three year,
do this. Even old workers even
deteriorate companies' sales because they are less productive than new workers.
It is really important to deal with this problem. In order for them to increase
sales and productivity, firms try to regulate new policies
to decrease the that retirement rate is more and more
decreased.
Second, retiring is necessary for people if
workers become old since because of retirement if
they retire, a number of young people would
have a higher chance to get a job as much as
possible. To resign from company when old workers get older is very
significant because young employees would get a
new job. (위 두 문장은 같은 말을 반복해서 흐름에 어색합니다.) For instance, currently, it is hard to be hired to
by a company due to lack of employment. If many
older workers retire, new employments are would
be gradually brought about. For instance, In Japan, early retirement rates promote new jobs
to arise. According to the Japan government
survey, this early retirement makes young people
who just graduate just college get a job
quickly. This shows that old men' peoples’
retirement have has an advantage in
creation of job positions.
To sum up, it they
get older, people have to be required to retire because many companies would increase profit and it
would also give rise to new work position. Therefore, I strongly agree
with the statement that older workers are force should
be forced to retire.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
21 |
Overall
Comment: |
논리가 좋고 포인트를 잘 잡았지만,
전체적으로 문법 오류가 많습니다. 특히 would be와 같은 형태의 표현들의 사용에 미숙하신 것 같습니다. 위 지적사항들을
참고하세요. |
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