▶ Your Answer :
As the advent of Industrial
revolution, the group of family gradually turned extended family into core family. In the criteria of these
backgrounds, it is controversial whether the extended family is crucial or
not. I am of opinion that the extended family is not as important now as
before.
First of all, the extended family
distributes the burden of nurturing for double-working parents. In other words,
many grandparents assist their grandchildren to do their routines. Nowadays, it
is easy to see many double-working parents. To them, it is a bunch of
power to live their livelihood if there are someone to help raising their children. Personally, I was raised by my
grandparents since my parents work early in the morning to late at night. I
felt lonely at first comparing to my friends who can see their parents whenever
they go home. My parents felt sorry for got
sorryful mind to me for not spending time much with me so that the quarreled with them was practiced frequently.
However, after I have lived with my grandparents I do not have to feel
alienated by missing space of parents. My parents feel comfortable since
grand parents occupy the absence of the parents for children. As a
result, extended family gave positive affect on my family.
Second, family-related values are
still on the stage. This is because many people spend holiday with extended
family. According to the survey researched by,
Korea National University, about 60 percent of people think holidays like
New Year’s Day and Thanksgiving Day as meeting
and taking e time together with extended
family. Also the result showsn that
amazingly similiar ratio of people really does. It is hard to change the
traditions that are descended decesended
from very old. It is considered virtue to come and see their family in Korea.
To sum up, even though it needs lots of consideration to live
with extensive family such as education and career opportunities, and I firmly account of living with extended family
incredibly significant significiant as
some sorts of advantages that lessen the burdensome raising children and still
existing family related value. In this regard, I am against the notion that extended family is not valued in these days do not outweigh to past.
Fair (17-20) 서론 -철자 오류. extended
첫번째 본문 -sorryful 은 없는 표현입니다. felt sorry for 로 써주세ㅛㅇ. -파란 부분 이해할 수 없습니다.
두번째 본문 -철자 오류. researched -meeting 과 병렬 구조로 taking 으로 써주세요. -과거 분사 shown은 완료 시제에 주로 쓰입니다. 이 부분은 그냥 현재로 쓰이는 것이 적절하므로 shows로 써주세요. -철자 오류. descended
결론 -문장 두개 (문장은 주어+동사가 하나가 있을 때 하나의 문장으로 취급합니다.) 이상 연결할 때 그냥 , 로 이을 수 없습니다. 등위접속사를 이용해주세요. 이 문맥에는 and가 어울립니다. 주어+동사, and 주어+동사. -철자 오류. significant -마지막 문장 마지막 구문 어색한 표현입니다. 바꾼대로 써주세요. 표현력의 부족으로 본인이 주장하고자 하는 바가 명확히 전달되지 않습니다. 표현력을 길러주세요. 문법과 철자에 신경도 써주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |