▶ Your Answer :Recently, It is controversial whether universities should general awareness about it is wise to focus more on improving facilities for students than on hiring famous professors. People, nevertheless have conflicting ideas on this issue. While some people argues that it is more important to spend on developing facilities than on hiring well-known professors, others deem otherwise. From my own point of view, I agree am agreement with the former stand. This is because students are able to get wide perspective on life and to get rise learning efficiency. >space
The first reason for my opinion is that improving school facilities plays an important role in making students broaden their outlook on life. This is because neat libraries or new computers in or labs make it easier for students to be exposed to a great deal of information. It is possible for students to open their eyes to new aspects by widening one’s information base. I will talk about my past experience to elucidate my point. During my college years, While in a university, I spent lots of time in the library. This was because school library was so neat that it was best place to spend pass time. When I read books, I could realize how many people much there were people were in developing countries, having who had difficulties in dealing with poverty and diseases. As I came to be interested in global health, I have tried to improve the global health. Without the school facilities, I would not have even known the world events, which made make it possible for me to wide perspective on my life. '많은 양의 정보'는 깨끗한 시설이 아니라 '많은 양의 자료'와 직결됩니다. 깨끗한 도서관 시설만으로 학생들이 많은 정보를 얻게 된다고 연결하는 것은 어색해요. [학생들이 공부하는 시설에 최신 자료를 갖추고 첨단 장비를 통해 제대로 된 정보를 제공해주면 학생들이 정보 습득이 용이해진다]는 식으로 내 주장과 연결하기에 좋은 표현들을 활용해주세요. >space Another equally important reason is that students can increase their learning efficiency by using school facilities. It is easier to find information which students need by using well-organized libraries or computers. So, students can save their time which they spend on finding resources and have extra time to study. on studying. For example, there is a poll conducted by the Korean education center with students in college which had funded for setting up many computers on campus. around campus. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view on whether using computers has have a great impact on increasing learning efficiency. An overwhelming 89% of students had responded that thanks to using computers, they could elevate rate of learning efficiency since they were able to save much time on getting suitable information and to communicate with friends and of professors when they had questions. In addition, students were motivated motived to study harder by using computers because they could focus more on more studying. This survey proves that the use of computers has a positive impact on students academically. 컴퓨터 사용이 학습효율을 높여준다는 것은 '대학 시설'과 관련이 없습니다. '더 나은 컴퓨터 시설'이 학습효율을 높여줄 것이다, 하는 식으로 명확하게 주제와 연결된 주장을 제시해주어야 해요. 또한 본론1에서 많은 정보를 얻게 된다는 것과 겹치는 부분들이 있으니 두 본론이 명확히 구분되도록 방향을 확실히 해줄 필요가 있어 보입니다. >space To sum up, investing money on school facilities is more important role for students because students can gain wider insight into life and elevate learning efficiency. Looking at all the statements above, there are many reasons to be considered, but at the end of the day, I would consist that focusing on improving school facilities is more crucial than on employing famous professors.
Comment : 대학에서 시설에 투자하는 것이 학생들의 시야를 넓히고 학습 효율을 높이는 데 도움을 준다는 주장들은 모두 좋습니다. 하지만 본론에서 내용을 설명할 때 논점이 맞지 않거나 논리가 어색하게 느껴지는 부분들이 아쉬웠어요. 주제와 관련성이 높은 내용으로 흐름을 만들어갈 수 있도록 표현에 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |