▶ Your Answer :
People’s intellectual, social and personal
development are highly influenced by working partners. With this understanding,
I believe that working business with family is better rather than working with
people you do not know. This is because, working business with family enables
people to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life.
First
of all, working business with family makes people to relieve stress.
Understanding the daily environment of people and the potential role of the
working partners is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, many
people have to patiently sit through traffic to get to work. Once they arrive at work,
they have to endure countless documents and continues to read more even at home.
Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. If people work with their family, aAs a
way to manage the ensuing stress, people can patiently talk to their family about
their own problems and their family understand family member’s situation.
Compared to working with unknown people, even if they were tired, people have to
endure challenging tasks without talking. Therefore, working business with
family frees people’s minds from the intense mental pressure from work. In this
regard, I learned that working business with family allows people to relieve
stress.
Secondly,
working business with family makes people to enjoy a better quality of life.
Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article
in “The Korean Herald” last Tuesday, which claims that working business with
family enables people to strengthen competitiveness in society. The article
claims that the 83 percent of 200 Korean leading recruiters prefer people who
have experience working with their family. The recruiters show such a tendency
because they tend to be more responsibleility and passionate. In the long run,
responsibility about their business and passionate activity enhance work
performance. This is because people working people in business with their family do
not want to disappoint their family, which makes people to work hard compared to comparing
in working with people who do not know. Therefore, having an experience of working with family this results in job
promotion and ultimately help people to enjoy a better quality of life. I
thought of this report because the results of the survey resonated with my
thoughts.
To sum up, working business with
family is better than working with do not know for the following reasons:
relieving stress and enjoying a better quality of life. Consequently, the
importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reason I have mentioned.
Good (24) 첫번째 본문 -they at work --오류 입니다. they are at work/they arrive at work 등 동사가 필요합니다. -as a way to manage~ 문장은 문맥상 자연스럽게 연결되지 않습니다. 사람들이 가족과 일하면 이야기를 더 할수있고 이해받을 수 있다는 전제를 들고 문장을 이어가야 본인의 주장과 문맥과 잘 어우러집니다. -compared to 로 써주세요. -내용상 함축/암시를 많이 하시면 글이 모호해집니다. a에서 b로 넘어가는 부분이나 본인의 주장과 관련있는 부분은 더 자세히 설명해주세요.
두번째 본문 -responsible과 passionate 병렬 구조이므로 형태가 같아야 합니다. -끝에서 세번째 문장에서, this라고 함축하기엔 this가 무엇을 가리키는지 모호합니다. 정확하게 서술해주세요. -enjoy a better quality of life가 본인의 이유인데 이것과 본인의 예시/설명을 보다 유기적으로 연결시켜주세요. 수고하셨습니다~
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