▶ Your Answer : Recently, general awareness about which factor has impact on happiness has
aroused heated arguments. People have conflicting ideas. While some people say
that social life has a stronger effect on one's happiness than job does, others
deem otherwise. From my own point of view, I i am in agreement with the former
stand. This because social life provides people with opportunities to get an
invaluable relationship with people and relieve their stress.
The first reason is that social activities make it available to find
precious relationship. As many people moved into other cities far away from
hometown to study or work, it is very hard to find someone who a person can rely be
relied on or share one's emotion, which make people happy. I will talk about my
past experience to elucidate my point. I moved into other city far away from my
hometown while in university. Because my close friends and families were far
away, it was very hard time for me. However, when I i participated in soccer club
in the university, I i met a friend who is my best friend now. She was so funny
that i could have always happy time. Until now, i have kept in touch with her.
Without her, i would not only have endured hardship but also accomplished happy
life.
Another equally important reason is that through to live social life people can relieve their
stress. Social life generates provides people with opportunities to experience
a variety of activities. Such activities encourage people to develop skills
necessary to pursue pleasure and amusement, which make it available to relieve
their stress. For example, there was poll conducted by a university newspaper
columnist in the Korea university with people in 20 years as respondents. The
purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about how people
make their hobbies, which helps people to get rid of their stress. The majority
of respondents responded that they came to have their hobbies through participating in club
activity or meeting other people. This survey proves that social life helps
people to foster skills to release their stress, which make it available for
people to accomplish their happiness.
To sum up, social life
largely affect on one’s happiness to help for people to get a best fellow and release
their stress. Looking at all the statements above, there are many reasons to be
considered, but at the end of the day, i would rather contend that social life plays a
important role in being in happy life.
Fair (20-23)
서론 -대소문자 오류. i->I 첫번째 본문 -a person이 rely되는 것이 아니라 rely 하는 것이므로 수동태 어색합니다. 그냥 rely on으로 썾쉐요. -대소문자 오류. i-->I I를 대문자로 쓰는것은 기본적인 문법 표현입니다. 실수라 하더라고 너무 많습니다. 유의해주세요.
두번째 본문 -표현 어색합니다. 바꾼대로 through social life people can으로 써주세요. -generates 와 provides 겹칩니다. provides가 더 문맥에 맞으므로 generates 지워주세요. -majority of 에 해당하는 대상이 필요합니다. 이 경우에는 respondents 이므로 추가해주세요.
결론 -대소문자 오류 -I would rather 하고 메인 동사 나와야합니다. 주장의 문맥이므로 contend that 으로 써주세요.
두 본문 내용 괜찮습니다. 문법 실수 많습니다. 문법/표현 중점으로 연습 많이 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
|