▶ Your Answer :
Various
opinions may exist over the argument whether people in the past are more
sentimental than people in today's world those who in the present. As far as I am concerned, I am in
complete agreement with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be valid
evidence to support my view.
First of all, people nowadays are too busy to
develop their sense of emotion (어색한 표현입니다). People are living in world of meritocracy where
only extremely qualified people can survive. Therefore, people just focus on developing
not emotion (어색한 표현입니다) but their specialty and knowledge. Also, they don’t do not want to spend
time on what fertilize people’s emotion (어색한 표현입니다) like reading books. A research
conducted by a renowned professor named Paul Kim indicates that what people do
in their free time has changed a lot. In the 1990’s, 75% of the people usually read
books and enjoyed having the secondhand experience through books. In 2015, however, only 20% of
people spend spent their free time on reading books whereby 60% of the people just do did their tasks like contacting their bosses and doing homework.
In addition,
the connecting connection between people become became weaker than the past (정확히 무엇을 의미하는지 알기 어렵습니다). People can become
emotional when they are connected and feel involved in the same society. As the
society become broaden expanded (사회가 어떻게 그리고 왜 확장했는지 설명이 필요해보입니다), the bond of community is has loosened. My personal
experiences can be valid to prove this point. When I was young, my family was
familiar with the close to people in our neighborhood. We used to have dinner together and have
enjoyable time. For example, when my mother went to work, my neighborhood neighbors usually made cookies for me and helped me do homework for the due next day.
However, I have no connection with my neighborhood anymore after graduating the
university and moving to the central city for work.
To
sum up, I believe my explanations above sufficiently prove the argument.
Obviously (에세이에 있어서는 좋지 않은 표현입니다) the lack of time and the weakened connection hinder people developing
a sense of emotion
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30)
Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - develop a sense of emotion, develop emotion 은 표현이 조금 어색한 것 같아요. I believe that people in today's world are less sentimental because they are living much busier lives than people in the past. 이런식으로 토픽 센텐스를 잡아주시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. - 본론2는 주제와의 연결이 다소 약합니다. 사람들간의 커넥션이 약함 & 요즘 사람들은 감성적, 이 둘을 잘 연결시켜주셔야해요. In addition, people are less sentimental today because they barely spend time with people around them. - 마찬가지로 본론2에서는 책 & 감정/감성과의 연결을 먼저 해주셔야지 더 논리적인 설명이 됩니다. Books help people to feel various emotions. This is because characters' feelings are very well described in them. However, compared to people of the past, people living in today's world do not have enough time to read books. This is one of the reasons why they are less sentimental ... - 과거와 계속 비교해서 설명하려고 시도한 것은 굉장히 좋습니다. 이 질문은 과거와의 비교를 물어보고 있어서 항상 비교하시면서 설명을 해주셔야합니다. - 라이팅에서 축약형은 쓰지 않습니다.
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