▶ Your Answer :
Various opinion may exist over the argument
which would be the most helpful activity for a healthy life; eating good food, exercising, and reducing stress are all beneficial to our bodies. However, as far as I am concerned, I am in favor of
choosing exercise more for a healthy life for the following reasons.
Above all, exercising more enables people to
find emotional relief because it is effective to boost people's moods and help them to maintain a
mentally healthy life. Many people nowadays are living in a world of
meritocracy where only extremely qualified people can survive. Consequently,
they suffer physically and mentally from tight schedules and highly competitive
environments. Therefore, by exercising more such as running, people can
temporarily forget about their problems and find some breathing space. Thus, it
can be a great means to improve people's mental health. Let me bring up my
personal story as an example. (Let형태 구어체 등 사용 지양해주세요.) ]For example, when I was in high school, I had a part-time job
to earn my tuition. At first, it was fine, but as time went by, it was very
hard mentally and physically because I had to go to work straight after school.
I ended up sick due to excessive workloads. One day, I begun to run during
lunch time. After few days, my health condition became better after several days of running.
This clearly shows that exercising is more beneficial for a health life. (예시에서 구체적으로 running 을 통해 1) 면역력이 증가했다 2) 체력이 좋아졌다 등의 내용을 작성해주세요)
On top of that, exercising such as playing
a soccer or basketball with others shows outstanding effectiveness in improving
people's social skill, which is beneficial for people's healthy social life. To
be more specific, interpersonal relationships and social skills are necessary
qualifications for people's better social life. Therefore, given the need for
collaboration in any place today, exercising with others is clearly more vital
in building more healthy sociability because it provides people with the
perfect opportunities to interact with others. A research was conducted by a
renowned professor named Pall Waddell from Berkeley University. In his research, he indicates that
people who are regularly playing a soccer with others attained the goal of
forming healthy sociability in much more effectual ways. However, having the
same accomplishments is somewhat stunted for people who do not exercise with
others.(반대 view보다는 앞서 운동을 통해 social skills가 늘어난 부분만 research 에서 더 강조해주세요) Likewise, his research proves that my argument in the advantage of exercising
with others is helpful for one to build strong social skills.
In conclusion, I would choose exercise more
for a healthy life due to the aforementioned above. (주제에 대한 본인의 의견을 앞서 나열했는데, 이 나열한 것 중 핵심 이유를 결론에서 요약해주세요; 현재 분량이 지나치게 짧습니다)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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