▶ Your Answer : A large number of people might argue that getting advice from older adults is more beneficial than asking peers for advice from friends. Contrary to the popular belief, I think that it is better for people to ask for get advice from the friends of the same age group for the following reasons: peers can understand the situation better, and people are it is reluctant to ask their parents about the problem.
First of all, advice from the friends of the same age group might be more helpful since they can sympathize the problem better. It is obvious that peers tend to experience similar problems. Their suggestions are likely to bring about a better result because they can understand the problem and can give reluctant encourage. 밑줄 친 표현이 전하고자 하는 내용이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 정확한 표현으로 수정해주세요. For example, when I was in grade 6, I fought seriously with my best friend. I decided not to apologize until she talks to me first. However, my other friend suggested me to apologize first. I listened carefully to his suggestion and apologized to my best friend. It turned out that it was a misunderstanding on my part. Had not I not spoken to her, I would have never get along with my best friend again. 사례 내용이 주장과 무슨 관련을 가지고 있는지 설명하는 내용으로 정리해주세요. 친구에게 먼저 사과하는 것이 좋다는 내용이 요지가 아니라 '친구가 상황을 잘 이해하고 좋은 조언을 해준다'라는 점이 드러날 수 있어야 합니다.
Moreover, asking parents or older adults for advice can be a reluctant task to people. It is commonly observed that talking to parents are is difficult than to peers or classmates since parents may get angry with listening to the problem which their children had mistaken. 부모가 화를 낼 수 있다는 설명이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 또한 무조건 '부모'로 범위를 한정지으면 주제에서 질문한 내용보다 범위가 좁아지기 때문에 논점을 흐릴 가능성이 있어요. 선생님이나 부모님 등 어른들한테는 이야기를 꺼내기가 쉽지 않은데 친구한테는 편하게 이야기할 수 있다, 라는 점에 좀 더 초점을 두고 풀어주면 좋을 것 같아요. However, friends may try to help with the problem, not blaming about it. Also, it is easier more easy to ask for advice since children usually spend spent their time with their peers in school, not with their parents. To illustrate, when I was really young, I teased my friend but I wanted to apologize to her. When I told this to my parents for advice, they blamed me of teasing the friend, not an giving advice. On the other hand, when I asked to my friend, he advised me about apologizing well. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 '부모'로 초점이 가 있고 '잘못에 대한 조언'으로만 논점이 좁혀져 있다는 점이 아쉬워요.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the advantages of getting advice from peers far outweigh those of receiving one from older adults for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of learning from peers can not be underestimated in order to improve the quality of life.
Comment :
또래가 상황을 더 잘 이해하고 이야기하기 더 편하기 때문에 조언을 구하기에 좋다는 주장이 좋습니다. 하지만 설명이나 사례 내용이 이 부분을 충분히 잘 드러내지 못한다는 점이 아쉬워요. 논점에 맞지 않는 부분들을 수정하고 필요한 내용을 더 보완해서 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법상 오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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