▶ Your Answer : Education is getting crucial for both parents and children as time passes by. passed. People puts more attention to on it than the past. As a consequence, it has been widely debated that what class does school has to have. Some people might contends that students have to pay more attention to on the main subjects such as math, science and so on. In my opinion, however, I firmly believe that children must learn art and music in the school. There are three following reasons for my argument as follows.
First, it is evident that learning art and music requires need plenty of money in out of school. If students are trying to concentrate on certain subjects, they have to go somewhere in order to know details of what they are trying to do. Not all parents are capable of paying on pay extra money for that. I am sure that there are some students that they are not able to learn what they want even though they want have demand to learn. For example, I have a friend who used to planning on majoring to major dance in college. She had to pay extra money for extra activity out of school. She not only has have to pay not only for school and but also for activity. Unfortunately, her parents were out of money for her. At last, she denied to attend the college that she wanted to go to.
Second, a lot of students are not aware of art and music very well. They never thought of doing art or music because they never had chance to experience it. Let's assume that art and music classes are not mandatory. Children would attend school because they have to. They would learn history, society and so on. However, they would not have any chance to learn art or music. There must be some students who are good at art or music but did cannot realize it. Even they would not have any opportunity to learn it. Then they would just loss lose their future. This demonstrates that students must learn art or music at least once.
Third, art and music class can release student's stress. Students usually focus on memorizing scientific terms, solving mathematical problems and so on. Art and music class will help our their brain to relaxed apart from complex classes. To give you an idea, I would like to describe my experience. When I was in high school, I was stressed out with my exhausting classes especially science. Through the team sport class, however, The class that I could relieve loss my tense was team sports class. I could reduce release my stress by playing some games and running. 스포츠 수업은 art and music과 관련이 없으니까 art and music 수업 중에 하나로 스트레스가 잘 풀렸던 사례를 제시해주세요.
In conclusion, art and music need plenty of money, help students to find their ability and release relieve some stress. For all three reasons I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that Aart and music subjects have to be mandatory in school.
Comment :
학교에서 의무적으로 제공해야 하는 이유를 말해야 하는 주제니까, 밖에서 배우면 비싸다는 주장은 설득력이 약할 것 같아요. 학생의 재능 개발과 스트레스 해소 두 가지 근거로 내용을 보완해서 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수일치 관련 문법오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)