▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether parents should set
strict rules for their children if they want them to succeed in life. This is an intriguing question because it can
be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however,
I support that strict rules are not necessary for children to obtain success
for the following reasons.
Strict To begin with, strict rules can hinder children from building
many valuable abilities. To be specific, allowing children to be free creates
opportunities for children to improve creativity, originality, responsibility
and a sense of independence. As modern society is becoming increasingly
competitive has become increasingly competitive, today's world requires people with such abilities. Therefore,
parents should not inhibit their children by strict rules from getting more
significant skills. For example, when I was younger, my parents were very
rigid. I had to follow a lot of rules and if my behavior was out of rules, I
was severely scorned by my parents. Therefore, without any rules or formats, I
could not do anything. I could not make a plan for myself and also I was very
afraid of creating new things. As a result, I failed to find a job every time
because of lack of my abilities. However, my sister did not grow in my parents'
interference because she went abroad and studied in America. Contrast to me In contrast to my circumstances,
she was very autonomous and ingenious. Due to such her characteristics, many
large companies want my sister. Through this experience, I realized that had it
not been for my parents' strict rules, I could have been a more autonomous and
creative person.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that strict rules could not lead to children's
success. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this
topic can be effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned
above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our
future. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 한 단락으로만 서술하신것은 잘했다고 생각하지만 너무 장황합니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 기본적으로 두 개 이상의 이유가 서술되어야지만 상대방을 설득 하는 것에 있어 더 효과적으로 적용할 수 있습니다. 지금 처럼 이렇게 하나의 이유로만 쓰게 되면 너무나 많은 정보들을 한 단락에 끝내려고 하기 때문에 전체적인 문장들이 장황하게 됩니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 두 개 이상의 이유를 서술하시는 것을 추천합니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|